April 3, 2011
When vacuuming is the most relaxing thing I've done today, should I worry? It's just nice to have that white noise going and to not hear anyone talking to me. I can just zone out, let my mind wander, imagine that I'm by myself for just a bit and actually be doing something productive as well!
I'm working on... hmmm... learning about myself, defining my role as a stay-at-home mom, figuring out the things that make me happy - all while being a teacher, chef, accountant, psychologist, housekeeper, comfort object, event coordinator and then some. And I only have one child! I absolutely love being a stay-at-home mom: being present for Jacob, teaching him, comforting him, supporting his being. I love being able to learn new things, things that I want to learn: sewing, gardening, writing, photography, cooking. And still it's challenging figuring out what to have in my days, how to spend the little bit of time I have while Jacob is sleeping or playing by himself. It's challenging because my brain gets a different kind of exercise now. It's challenging because I don't yet have a close community here to go to when it's hard. It's challenging because nobody can be patient all the time, 24/7, and at some point, my frustration comes out at somebody.
I read other people's blogs, sometimes, or see other stay-at-home moms doing all sorts of things, and it's hard not to compare myself. It's hard not to think, okay, so what am I doing? I don't have a homemade loaf of bread on the table for dinner, I don't sell things online, I don't read articles online and then tell my readers about parenting issues or political issues or environmental issues. I am a mom. That should feel like enough. After all, I am raising a human being. I am raising a person who is going to become part of this world and hopefully, do something helpful. I am teaching him almost everything he knows apart from observation. And I'm teaching him those things too, sometimes unawares! There are no breaks in parenting. No weekends, no vacations, no smoke breaks. So, yes, being a mom should be enough.
Still, I do have lots of things I'm good at and that I want to incorporate into my life: making cards (possibly selling them), writing (which I am doing almost daily!), growing things (plants, that is, not pet elephants or anything like that). So, we'll just see. I'm reading a book my mom gave me called, Stay Home, Stay Happy. I wouldn't say that I'm not happy just.... discovering what that means, in new ways than I have before. Life is a journey and all these experiences are the joy of it.
Though you may not feel like it sometimes, every emotion you describe here tells me that you are doing it right. In my opinion, the stay-at-home mom is the most challenging profession out there, regardless of the personal choice or situation that put you in that job. Keep on doing what you are doing. Jacob is one of the fortunate ones to have the dedication that both you and Fraser put into his life. The person you were before children is still there, just being preempted by someone more important right now.
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