April 27, 2011
We went to our friend, Danna's, house this morning. She lives over in NE Portland in another super cool, old house. We had a nice time. Her daughter and Jacob play well together, which is always lovely for me. I also like Danna's energy; it makes me feel energized as well. We went over to Elizabeth's house and all went to the park. The kids had a great time. Elizabeth's boy, Ezra, and Jacob were having a good time (overall) on the slides and in the woodchips. Really, really nice morning. Glad to have some good times with new friends.
Hit up the library in the afternoon. I was hoping to get some new books myself, but our library is pretty crap for grown up selection. I always have to place requests. Makes it easy when I just have to pick them up, though. I've just discovered Mary Oliver. She does mostly poetry, some essays. Really great stuff. I put in a request for ten of her books. Heehee...
Jacob picked out a bunch to bring home. Always good to get some new reading material.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Day 212
April 26, 2011
Rain, rain and more rain. Little bits of sun and blue sky that peek out. And then more rain. It sounds nice tapping on the roof, I'll give it that. It makes things smell lovely. And there are no complaints from the plants.
We had a chance to do some exploring this afternoon during a "dry" spell. We found some lovely puddles to stomp in and some even better mud. We blew dandelion seeds, found some grasses that reminded Jacob of "cattails". I always love it when he comes out with something that I wasn't aware he knew - like cattails.
We followed a little path through the blackberries and came upon some real cattails and some red wing blackbirds, their sharp, trilling calls directed at us making me think it's nesting time. The sun even peeked out at us for a bit, bringing some unexpected warmth with it.
On the way back we came upon a storm drain that had foam of some sort in it. I'm not sure why this one had it while the others around don't. We could hear the water trickling away underneath it, though, and had the most wonderful time dropping things into it, watching our dandelion stems and grasses fall through the foam (most times) or land on top (occasionally).
Rain, rain and more rain. Little bits of sun and blue sky that peek out. And then more rain. It sounds nice tapping on the roof, I'll give it that. It makes things smell lovely. And there are no complaints from the plants.
We had a chance to do some exploring this afternoon during a "dry" spell. We found some lovely puddles to stomp in and some even better mud. We blew dandelion seeds, found some grasses that reminded Jacob of "cattails". I always love it when he comes out with something that I wasn't aware he knew - like cattails.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Day 211
April 25, 2011
"Simply ten good things"
having an entirely nice weekend
Jacob's face smiling when he sees me in the morning
ordering a new book
meditation time for me
sunshine
book club
leftovers
a clean kitchen (once in a while)
writing in my journal
chocolate ice cream
I did have some lovely time to concentrate on me today. Always something moms struggle with, I think, due to the nature of our jobs and putting others first. I do know, though, that I am a better mom if I take care of myself. It's hard to make the brain take a break from the "I should do" list, but if I don't make myself, it's not likely that anyone else is going to do it for me.
The book club meeting was also tonight which was wonderful. I always have such a nice time and wish it could meet more often (although I wouldn't be able to finish more than one book in a month). The group of women is varied and the conversation always interesting. We actually get to talk about more than just our kids. That topic comes up too, but it's refreshing to have a different kind of conversation.
"Simply ten good things"
having an entirely nice weekend
Jacob's face smiling when he sees me in the morning
ordering a new book
meditation time for me
sunshine
book club
leftovers
a clean kitchen (once in a while)
writing in my journal
chocolate ice cream
I did have some lovely time to concentrate on me today. Always something moms struggle with, I think, due to the nature of our jobs and putting others first. I do know, though, that I am a better mom if I take care of myself. It's hard to make the brain take a break from the "I should do" list, but if I don't make myself, it's not likely that anyone else is going to do it for me.
The book club meeting was also tonight which was wonderful. I always have such a nice time and wish it could meet more often (although I wouldn't be able to finish more than one book in a month). The group of women is varied and the conversation always interesting. We actually get to talk about more than just our kids. That topic comes up too, but it's refreshing to have a different kind of conversation.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Day 210: Easter
April 24, 2011
Easter! Of course the first thing Jacob asked about when he woke up was if the Easter bunny had hidden his eggs. Thankfully, the Easter bunny arrived about 10 minutes before the boy woke up and hid all the eggs, plastic and real.
Jacob was more interested in the real ones he had dyed but eventually found the others as well. He got to the first one, opened it and said, "Candy in dere?" Hahah..... too many Easter stories at the library the other day. "No," I told him, "I think the Easter bunny knows you're still too little for candy. Probably next year."
It's such a pain that so many of the holidays really center around candy and total junk food, making constant battles for parents like me who want to actually feed their children healthy food. I know I'm in the minority in this country, but come on! Just one more thing to learn - moderation.
We had a delicious ham for dinner (thank you, pig) that Jacob couldn't get enough of. Fraser actually picked up some chocolate ice cream at the store (Chocolate Fudge Brownie, to be specific); I'm waiting for after Jacob's bed time for that one.
I'll leave you with a quote that I find... thought provoking: "The most regretful people on earth are those who felt the call to creative work, who felt their own creative power restive and uprising, and gave it neither the power nor time." -Mary Oliver
Jacob was more interested in the real ones he had dyed but eventually found the others as well. He got to the first one, opened it and said, "Candy in dere?" Hahah..... too many Easter stories at the library the other day. "No," I told him, "I think the Easter bunny knows you're still too little for candy. Probably next year."
It's such a pain that so many of the holidays really center around candy and total junk food, making constant battles for parents like me who want to actually feed their children healthy food. I know I'm in the minority in this country, but come on! Just one more thing to learn - moderation.
We had a delicious ham for dinner (thank you, pig) that Jacob couldn't get enough of. Fraser actually picked up some chocolate ice cream at the store (Chocolate Fudge Brownie, to be specific); I'm waiting for after Jacob's bed time for that one.
I'll leave you with a quote that I find... thought provoking: "The most regretful people on earth are those who felt the call to creative work, who felt their own creative power restive and uprising, and gave it neither the power nor time." -Mary Oliver
Day 209
April 23, 2011
Beautiful day again. Dyed some eggs. Jacob has been waiting for this for a week and a half now. He loved it. I also wish it could last longer, that I could dye more eggs or more things. But we can only eat so many hard boiled eggs between the three of us.
Jacob and Fraser went to the park while I had a chance to sit outside in afternoon sun and read. Finally starting to feel better again. It's the weirdest thing, just a discomfort when breathing deeply. That's it. Well, and a hard time catching my breath because of the discomfort. Not fun. Makes me appreciate how wonderful and easy my life is with the blessing of health.
Tonight I took a bath with Jacob and, being face to face with my nipples at one point, asked about mamamilk. It was so adorable. I could tell he would've loved to suck on them (and he did ask for mamamilk later at bedtime) but he held himself back. I told him again how his body doesn't need it anymore because it eats so much good food and it's so big. And how my body doesn't make it anymore because his body doesn't need it. I also told him it makes me a bit sad too that we don't do that anymore (because it does) but that I'm also very happy he's so big and healthy. Sigh. My baby.
Day 208
April 22, 2011
Earth day. A beautiful day here but again, I wasn't feeling grand. No idea what's going on in my body these days, but something that reoccurs. Went to the doctor. Nothing. Which is good. And a little frustrating. Oh, the body. What a complex and interesting being.
Jacob and I played outside today and planted some seeds. Some spinach and basil. Hopefully they'll both grow. I love my little curious boy who had the best time pouring water into and out of the recycling container and then watching its progress down the driveway. It's the simple things in life...
We made a melted crayon picture this morning too. Jacob picked out his colours. When he came across a blue crayon without the wrapper, he said, "Blue crayon naked." That one cracked me up. I love the observations of children.
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| Trying to climb the tree "like a kitty" |
Day 207: On Motherhood (not for the last time)
April 21, 2011
I'm (slowly) learning that motherhood is:
repetition
staying in our jammies till late morning more times than I'd like to admit
not having a set plan, or being able to let go of one
repetition
brainstorming new things to do - constantly
repetition
being happy if I get more than one thing on my list accomplished in a day
listening to who I am as a mother, not who other people are
forgiving myself when I lose my patience
losing my patience
loving so much more than I knew I would
repetition
messes
learning
joy
bittersweet feelings as I watch my little boy get bigger every day
pride as I watch him grow more every day, learning who he is
hoping that I can support who he is and help him support that also
I have been feeling... proud of who I am as a parent recently. There are times when I can see that I am living by the values I feel are important in parenting: Letting Jacob be who he is, not who I want him to be; Not having to make things around the house in perfect order so that I can spend more quality time with Jacob; encouraging a sense of exploration and curiosity that is naturally in Jacob already.
It can be hard for me to look at other people and compare myself as a parent and/or person. But my life is only my own. It's my path to learn and my self that is growing in the direction I want it to. So instead of comparing, I'm trying to do more observing, more listening to me to see how I react, more letting go of things that don't feel right. There are people who inspire me, and I look there for inspiration. But not comparison and judgement of myself. We all choose what we must for ourselves. I must choose for myself.
Ladies' night tonight. Fun. We went to Oba in downtown Pearl. Nice to get out and have more of a real conversation. Always nice to get some of that from some other females.
I'm (slowly) learning that motherhood is:
repetition
staying in our jammies till late morning more times than I'd like to admit
not having a set plan, or being able to let go of one
repetition
brainstorming new things to do - constantly
repetition
being happy if I get more than one thing on my list accomplished in a day
listening to who I am as a mother, not who other people are
forgiving myself when I lose my patience
losing my patience
loving so much more than I knew I would
repetition
messes
learning
joy
bittersweet feelings as I watch my little boy get bigger every day
pride as I watch him grow more every day, learning who he is
hoping that I can support who he is and help him support that also
I have been feeling... proud of who I am as a parent recently. There are times when I can see that I am living by the values I feel are important in parenting: Letting Jacob be who he is, not who I want him to be; Not having to make things around the house in perfect order so that I can spend more quality time with Jacob; encouraging a sense of exploration and curiosity that is naturally in Jacob already.
It can be hard for me to look at other people and compare myself as a parent and/or person. But my life is only my own. It's my path to learn and my self that is growing in the direction I want it to. So instead of comparing, I'm trying to do more observing, more listening to me to see how I react, more letting go of things that don't feel right. There are people who inspire me, and I look there for inspiration. But not comparison and judgement of myself. We all choose what we must for ourselves. I must choose for myself.
Ladies' night tonight. Fun. We went to Oba in downtown Pearl. Nice to get out and have more of a real conversation. Always nice to get some of that from some other females.
Day 206
April 20, 2011
We went to the zoo in the am today. I just love watching Jacob explore how he likes to, relishing in newfound things, doing things over and over again. Having only one child, I have the luxury of letting him do this. I hope that once I have more kids, I can make time like this for them too. There are plenty of times in life where we do have to be somewhere at a given time but it's nice to have unstructured time too. A good thing for me to remember for myself.
We met up with some friends although by "meeting up" that mostly means we were all at the zoo at the same time. In theory I always think getting together like this will be great: the kids will all be interested in the same thing at some point and we moms will be able to hang out. In practice this is not what happens. Oh well. That's why we plan moms' nights.
We met up with some friends although by "meeting up" that mostly means we were all at the zoo at the same time. In theory I always think getting together like this will be great: the kids will all be interested in the same thing at some point and we moms will be able to hang out. In practice this is not what happens. Oh well. That's why we plan moms' nights.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Day 205
April 19, 2011
Feeling under the weather today. Not sure with what, just achy and not feeling good. Tried the good old Theraflu but had to call in the big guns in the end: Fraser. I definitely feel more stressed out by asking for his help with this new job. I know he's always busy there. But Jacob and I were struggling this morning. Mostly me. He was hanging in very patiently with his mama. We were both thrilled when Fraser was able to come home around lunchtime. I went to bed and Jacob had no problem with that one.
It's such a good feeling to know that everything is being taken care of while I'm sick. Oh, I don't mean everything, but everything that really matters right now - Jacob. Fraser was great. They played, Jacob took a great nap, they went to the park for awhile (it was actually sunny today). It makes being sick much more tolerable, even if I do feel a little guilty about not fulfilling my usual duties. But if I can't function well, I'm not much help anyway.
They finally came to get me around dinner time. Jacob told me all about what dinner was going to be - "mac an cheese and tunawish". He told me about playing at the park and that I had been sleeping. So cute. It gave me a little glimpse into what it'll be like someday when I'm not present for every single thing he does. It makes him seem so.... big.
Feeling under the weather today. Not sure with what, just achy and not feeling good. Tried the good old Theraflu but had to call in the big guns in the end: Fraser. I definitely feel more stressed out by asking for his help with this new job. I know he's always busy there. But Jacob and I were struggling this morning. Mostly me. He was hanging in very patiently with his mama. We were both thrilled when Fraser was able to come home around lunchtime. I went to bed and Jacob had no problem with that one.
It's such a good feeling to know that everything is being taken care of while I'm sick. Oh, I don't mean everything, but everything that really matters right now - Jacob. Fraser was great. They played, Jacob took a great nap, they went to the park for awhile (it was actually sunny today). It makes being sick much more tolerable, even if I do feel a little guilty about not fulfilling my usual duties. But if I can't function well, I'm not much help anyway.
They finally came to get me around dinner time. Jacob told me all about what dinner was going to be - "mac an cheese and tunawish". He told me about playing at the park and that I had been sleeping. So cute. It gave me a little glimpse into what it'll be like someday when I'm not present for every single thing he does. It makes him seem so.... big.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Day 204
April 18, 2011
Jacob and I went to the playground at the Rose Garden today and met up with our friends Brandin and Preston.
There was a bit of sun, which is why we went to the park to begin with, but also some small showers. It's spring in Portland - what are you gonna do?
After finally getting Jacob to take a nap (after an hour in his room, I went up there, changed his diaper and then held him and sang to him and he fell asleep - he said he didn't want a nap but just couldn't fight it), I went to the garage to try and find some things. I've been wanting to get out my gardening books and some old sheets to sew into something else. Amazingly, I found what I was looking for! Thankfully, we did label things pretty well, making this job easier than I thought it would be.
Got to catch up with a couple friends today which was wonderful. Of course, now it's almost 5, and I think I'll have to go wake up the boy. Who knows what time he'll go to bed tonight.
After finally getting Jacob to take a nap (after an hour in his room, I went up there, changed his diaper and then held him and sang to him and he fell asleep - he said he didn't want a nap but just couldn't fight it), I went to the garage to try and find some things. I've been wanting to get out my gardening books and some old sheets to sew into something else. Amazingly, I found what I was looking for! Thankfully, we did label things pretty well, making this job easier than I thought it would be.
Got to catch up with a couple friends today which was wonderful. Of course, now it's almost 5, and I think I'll have to go wake up the boy. Who knows what time he'll go to bed tonight.
Day 203
April 17, 2011
I got to sleep in this morning while the boys went out to breakfast together. It was nice to have some quiet, me time. I also had pilates.
I'm putting a silk binding on a piece of super soft material for Jacob. Hopefully he'll be happy to use it as a comfort object. I'm not really holding my breath but the fabric was so soft, I couldn't resist doing something with it.
I got to sleep in this morning while the boys went out to breakfast together. It was nice to have some quiet, me time. I also had pilates.
I'm putting a silk binding on a piece of super soft material for Jacob. Hopefully he'll be happy to use it as a comfort object. I'm not really holding my breath but the fabric was so soft, I couldn't resist doing something with it.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Day 202
April 16, 2011
I got out and tried to look for some quilting or sewing books today. I felt like a see-saw, though, getting excited about trying to do something but then ending up not really inspired by the books. I love fabrics and projects and whatnot. I wish I knew where some of my other books and fabrics are but they're all in boxes. The idea of trying to find them is a bit daunting. But do I really want to wait until... who knows when, to unpack them for real. Not really. I'll just have to get on my patience hat and search.
I got out and tried to look for some quilting or sewing books today. I felt like a see-saw, though, getting excited about trying to do something but then ending up not really inspired by the books. I love fabrics and projects and whatnot. I wish I knew where some of my other books and fabrics are but they're all in boxes. The idea of trying to find them is a bit daunting. But do I really want to wait until... who knows when, to unpack them for real. Not really. I'll just have to get on my patience hat and search.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Day 201
April 15, 2011
First time in a long time when our taxes haven't been done by today. Thankfully, they aren't due until Monday. Fingers crossed that they'll be done by then or we'll be filing for an extension. Haha... The government doesn't know how to allocate our money very well anyway, in my opinion but we won't go there. This is not a political platform (usually).
It's been raining steadily for 48 hours at this point (I'm writing this in the evening). Most bizarre - a constant drizzling rain. I know, I know, that's Portland for you. But still, different than anything I've experienced before. I'll give it this, though, the trees around here are ridiculously green from mosses of all sorts. Driving around yesterday we went through Forest Park. Ridiculous! The green covering almost every aspect of these trees is neon green. Like when you have a glow in the dark something that emanates light from within. So cool. Even though it's grey skies and dreary cold rain, the forests are actually quite stunning.
Went to the gym today which was nice. Just to get out of the house and into the hustle and bustle. Jacob likes to go to the basketball court after I pick him up. We did that today. I cannot express how adorable it is to see this little tiny body running around in this huge gymnasium. I love it.
Third day in a row of no nap. I'm not letting it go yet. Just not willing to at this point. How can he be taking two hour naps every day and then, out of the blue, just take no rest at all during the day? That is so not okay with me. I laid down when he was having his "quiet time". After, he helped me patch his bug jammies. I was pretty proud of myself for sewing on some more fabric to the feet so his toe won't stick out anymore. Not hard, but I had to practice to overedge stitch first. Jacob really likes the sewing machine. I remember liking my mom's too as a kid. He wanted to help pin things, lift the needle up, do the reverse stitch. I had to tell him to hold up several times.
Skyped with my mom, Nick and Amy this afternoon. That was really nice. Visiting for awhile, passing the time. Jacob liked to see them too.
Had an early bath because the poor little dude's butt was so sore. He pooped 7 times today, I think. We just hung out in the bathroom for probably 45 minutes. He loved it.
No Daddy for bedtime again. Sad. I put Jacob to bed with his books and some music tonight. We got another CD/iPod stereo so Jacob can listen to music at bedtime. He really likes listening to something as he's going to sleep. I take a shower and come back to check on him. A few of his books are on the floor. There's one still off to the side of him and one next to him, still open. It reminded me of my mother when she falls asleep reading, the book on her chest. It makes me so happy and proud that Jacob likes to "read" so much. They are like his comfort objects; he has to take some to bed every night. What a sweetheart.
Had a little quiet time to myself this evening for a nice meditation. Much needed. Very nice. Always good to regroup with the self.
First time in a long time when our taxes haven't been done by today. Thankfully, they aren't due until Monday. Fingers crossed that they'll be done by then or we'll be filing for an extension. Haha... The government doesn't know how to allocate our money very well anyway, in my opinion but we won't go there. This is not a political platform (usually).
It's been raining steadily for 48 hours at this point (I'm writing this in the evening). Most bizarre - a constant drizzling rain. I know, I know, that's Portland for you. But still, different than anything I've experienced before. I'll give it this, though, the trees around here are ridiculously green from mosses of all sorts. Driving around yesterday we went through Forest Park. Ridiculous! The green covering almost every aspect of these trees is neon green. Like when you have a glow in the dark something that emanates light from within. So cool. Even though it's grey skies and dreary cold rain, the forests are actually quite stunning.
Went to the gym today which was nice. Just to get out of the house and into the hustle and bustle. Jacob likes to go to the basketball court after I pick him up. We did that today. I cannot express how adorable it is to see this little tiny body running around in this huge gymnasium. I love it.
Third day in a row of no nap. I'm not letting it go yet. Just not willing to at this point. How can he be taking two hour naps every day and then, out of the blue, just take no rest at all during the day? That is so not okay with me. I laid down when he was having his "quiet time". After, he helped me patch his bug jammies. I was pretty proud of myself for sewing on some more fabric to the feet so his toe won't stick out anymore. Not hard, but I had to practice to overedge stitch first. Jacob really likes the sewing machine. I remember liking my mom's too as a kid. He wanted to help pin things, lift the needle up, do the reverse stitch. I had to tell him to hold up several times.
Skyped with my mom, Nick and Amy this afternoon. That was really nice. Visiting for awhile, passing the time. Jacob liked to see them too.
Had an early bath because the poor little dude's butt was so sore. He pooped 7 times today, I think. We just hung out in the bathroom for probably 45 minutes. He loved it.
No Daddy for bedtime again. Sad. I put Jacob to bed with his books and some music tonight. We got another CD/iPod stereo so Jacob can listen to music at bedtime. He really likes listening to something as he's going to sleep. I take a shower and come back to check on him. A few of his books are on the floor. There's one still off to the side of him and one next to him, still open. It reminded me of my mother when she falls asleep reading, the book on her chest. It makes me so happy and proud that Jacob likes to "read" so much. They are like his comfort objects; he has to take some to bed every night. What a sweetheart.
Had a little quiet time to myself this evening for a nice meditation. Much needed. Very nice. Always good to regroup with the self.
Day 200!
April 14, 2011
Rainy grey day. Exchanged some books at Powell's for some store credit. Went to their store and tried to find a general book on sewing. Of course I get so indecisive when it comes to spending money that I couldn't decide on a book. And with Jacob it's kind of difficult to thoroughly look through a book. Oh well. It was extremely fun just to go. Jacob kept saying, "Go to Gacob's section". Finally we did.
No nap again. This is definitely not good. I left him in there for an hour. He's quiet for awhile and then I start hearing things: books coming out of the bed, the blinds being moved around as he looks out the window, jumping in his bed, singing, music. After awhile I hear, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. Awake! Awake! Awake!" I couldn't help but laugh even though I did not get him at that point.
Aftwerwards, I tell him that was our resting time but now it's time for Mommy to do some work. So he plays kind of by himself and I make some calls or do some research online or something. It's our compromise, for sure.
At bedtime, I put Jacob down and then maybe five minutes later I hear, "Mommy." I go in there.
"Change into dinosaur jammies," he says.
"Oh, honey, those have pee on them from this morning," I say.
"Wear bug jammies."
"Those have the hole in the toe I was going to fix."
"Snowman jammies have pee on them."
I don't entirely believe him but he is picking at them and a hole in a toe isn't going to make any difference while he's sleeping. "Okay, I'll get your bug jammies."
I change him and sure enough, he's soaked, with pee down his leg a little and up his back!
"Wow," I say. "From now on I'm going to have you pee on the potty before we get jammies on."
"Gacob pee on potty now."
"Okay." Sigh. We head to the bathroom.
"Mommy sing ants go marching downtown."
"The ants go marching one by one, hurrah. Hurrah."
He makes a face like he's trying to squint/close his eyes. He's concentrating. And sure enough, he eeks out some pee. Well, at least he's cleared out.
I am spent at this point. All I want to do is nothing. I watch Dirty Dancing, one of the best movies of all time. I remember watching that with my friend Bats one night - three times in a row. As in, we'd get to the end, rewind it and press play. Good times.
Rainy grey day. Exchanged some books at Powell's for some store credit. Went to their store and tried to find a general book on sewing. Of course I get so indecisive when it comes to spending money that I couldn't decide on a book. And with Jacob it's kind of difficult to thoroughly look through a book. Oh well. It was extremely fun just to go. Jacob kept saying, "Go to Gacob's section". Finally we did.
No nap again. This is definitely not good. I left him in there for an hour. He's quiet for awhile and then I start hearing things: books coming out of the bed, the blinds being moved around as he looks out the window, jumping in his bed, singing, music. After awhile I hear, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. Awake! Awake! Awake!" I couldn't help but laugh even though I did not get him at that point.
Aftwerwards, I tell him that was our resting time but now it's time for Mommy to do some work. So he plays kind of by himself and I make some calls or do some research online or something. It's our compromise, for sure.
At bedtime, I put Jacob down and then maybe five minutes later I hear, "Mommy." I go in there.
"Change into dinosaur jammies," he says.
"Oh, honey, those have pee on them from this morning," I say.
"Wear bug jammies."
"Those have the hole in the toe I was going to fix."
"Snowman jammies have pee on them."
I don't entirely believe him but he is picking at them and a hole in a toe isn't going to make any difference while he's sleeping. "Okay, I'll get your bug jammies."
I change him and sure enough, he's soaked, with pee down his leg a little and up his back!
"Wow," I say. "From now on I'm going to have you pee on the potty before we get jammies on."
"Gacob pee on potty now."
"Okay." Sigh. We head to the bathroom.
"Mommy sing ants go marching downtown."
"The ants go marching one by one, hurrah. Hurrah."
He makes a face like he's trying to squint/close his eyes. He's concentrating. And sure enough, he eeks out some pee. Well, at least he's cleared out.
I am spent at this point. All I want to do is nothing. I watch Dirty Dancing, one of the best movies of all time. I remember watching that with my friend Bats one night - three times in a row. As in, we'd get to the end, rewind it and press play. Good times.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Day 199: Freshly cut nails
April 13, 2011
Jacobisms:
When he wants to do something later, he says, "Ga-cob do it next later."
I asked him today if he had a poop. He said, "No." There was a slight pause. Then, "Smells like it." Because I always doublecheck by smelling his butt, and I tell him that exact phrase. Haha!
While Jacob was not napping today, I took a little time to look up patterns online and whatnot. It is easy for me to feel somewhat lazy when I see what some other people (read: moms) do in their "spare" time. I don't know how I'll get to a space when I have motivation after Jacob is sleeping at night to do so many things. I know I will get there and that it will seem normal at the time. I just can't always see it at this point. That being said, I am feeling more inspired by what I see others doing (sewing, crafting, etc) as well as what I'd like to do. I remember doing different sewing projects in the past: a quilt, jeans into a skirt, napkins. All without patterns. I mentioned this same feeling yesterday on my blog; a feeling of being intimidated by... something in my new role. Instead of just knowing that I can do things I look to others who can do things better for direction. Not that there's anything wrong with getting ideas from others. But also, there's listening to myself as well. Thinking up projects on my own and doing what makes me happy. I felt happy a lot today so it's a good place from which to start.
When he wants to do something later, he says, "Ga-cob do it next later."
I asked him today if he had a poop. He said, "No." There was a slight pause. Then, "Smells like it." Because I always doublecheck by smelling his butt, and I tell him that exact phrase. Haha!
While Jacob was not napping today, I took a little time to look up patterns online and whatnot. It is easy for me to feel somewhat lazy when I see what some other people (read: moms) do in their "spare" time. I don't know how I'll get to a space when I have motivation after Jacob is sleeping at night to do so many things. I know I will get there and that it will seem normal at the time. I just can't always see it at this point. That being said, I am feeling more inspired by what I see others doing (sewing, crafting, etc) as well as what I'd like to do. I remember doing different sewing projects in the past: a quilt, jeans into a skirt, napkins. All without patterns. I mentioned this same feeling yesterday on my blog; a feeling of being intimidated by... something in my new role. Instead of just knowing that I can do things I look to others who can do things better for direction. Not that there's anything wrong with getting ideas from others. But also, there's listening to myself as well. Thinking up projects on my own and doing what makes me happy. I felt happy a lot today so it's a good place from which to start.
So, no nap today. Instead, we got some jobs done.
We got to hang out and a have a nice little dinner together, just the two of us. Fraser was working late on a deadline. It was kind of nice, though. After Jacob was done, I was still eating and we're working on him staying at the table longer while other people finish eating. The first thing he thinks of and wants to do is play I Spy. This has become a traditional dinner time game. He's good at it.
Had an early bath and bed time. The golden evening light was hanging in his room as I read him his two books. Even though he still asked for "one more" he was falling asleep on me. His eyes were shut and he was pretty much out as I laid him in bed. That hasn't happened in a long time. Recently, no matter when we put him down, he's up there talking, jumping and playing music till 9. So, tonight was wonderful. I went to take out my contacts and heard what sounded like rain on the roof. The sun was shining feebly but yes, there was a lot of rain falling. I looked out the back window to see if I could catch a rainbow but nothing. Somehow, the release of rain from this one cloud, even with blue sky showing, mirrored my own feelings after having put Jacob to bed. He brings me such joy, and we had such a lovely evening together. And that big sigh of relief that fills my body when I know he's down for the night is like nothing else, a celebration of quietude and the pleasure of relaxation. Ahhh....
The feeling was probably pronounced due to Fraser's absence as well. I love him dearly with my whole being. And it's still nice to have some quiet time with just myself. That doesn't happen often for either of us these days, I suppose. I have different evenings when Fraser isn't here. Usually I'm more productive. But it's on things that I just like doing: stamping, writing, pondering my own inner thoughts and feelings. When he's here my attention is still outwardly focused on another person. Different than with Jacob but similar also. I like me so it's pleasurable being with just me.
Tonight I cut my fingernails. I like them kind of long and used to hate that first feeling when I shortened them by a lot. But these days, I'm really enjoying them. There's nothing like the feeling of the keyboard underneath my fingertips after my nails are shortened. I feel everything and can type so much faster without feeling the tips of my nails catch on the other keys. Ah, the simple (tactile) pleasures in life.
Had an early bath and bed time. The golden evening light was hanging in his room as I read him his two books. Even though he still asked for "one more" he was falling asleep on me. His eyes were shut and he was pretty much out as I laid him in bed. That hasn't happened in a long time. Recently, no matter when we put him down, he's up there talking, jumping and playing music till 9. So, tonight was wonderful. I went to take out my contacts and heard what sounded like rain on the roof. The sun was shining feebly but yes, there was a lot of rain falling. I looked out the back window to see if I could catch a rainbow but nothing. Somehow, the release of rain from this one cloud, even with blue sky showing, mirrored my own feelings after having put Jacob to bed. He brings me such joy, and we had such a lovely evening together. And that big sigh of relief that fills my body when I know he's down for the night is like nothing else, a celebration of quietude and the pleasure of relaxation. Ahhh....
The feeling was probably pronounced due to Fraser's absence as well. I love him dearly with my whole being. And it's still nice to have some quiet time with just myself. That doesn't happen often for either of us these days, I suppose. I have different evenings when Fraser isn't here. Usually I'm more productive. But it's on things that I just like doing: stamping, writing, pondering my own inner thoughts and feelings. When he's here my attention is still outwardly focused on another person. Different than with Jacob but similar also. I like me so it's pleasurable being with just me.
Tonight I cut my fingernails. I like them kind of long and used to hate that first feeling when I shortened them by a lot. But these days, I'm really enjoying them. There's nothing like the feeling of the keyboard underneath my fingertips after my nails are shortened. I feel everything and can type so much faster without feeling the tips of my nails catch on the other keys. Ah, the simple (tactile) pleasures in life.
Day 198
April 12, 2011
We went to the Children's Museum today and met up with some other moms. The museum was, amazingly, not that crowded, making it a very enjoyable experience. It was also great to reconnect with my new mom friends, having not seen them in a month or so. One of the moms, Melissa, had a new baby which was exciting. Danna was talking about a sewing and how she's been doing lots of things for her daughter these days. Very inspiring. It makes me want to make Jacob something. Sadly, I can't make him a dress, but pants would still be fun to make. Maybe some jammies at some point.
I'm still feeling like I want to take on so many projects and yet, I haven't started on any! I don't know what to start first. Soon, though, soon.
I also ran into a woman I kind of know from book club. She recognized me and reintroduced herself. She has a little boy, about a year younger than Jacob. We talked about the moms group she's a part of out here. I'd like to get into that one too just to meet more moms out by me. I really like all my Portland moms but it is hard to get together easily due to the driving.
It made me feel good to run into someone like that at the museum.
This afternoon, Jacob wanted to go play out in the backyard. I had some Bonnie Raitt on the radio, the light was settling into its evening tones and I had the back door cracked to listen for the boy. I was just getting thing ready for dinner and felt so... relaxed and happy. The combination of independent time from Jacob while he was so content (splashing in the mud, examining the weeds in the yard, watching birds fly over head) and the fresh spring feeling in the air made everything come together so nicely.
Jacob came in eventually and helped me make a fingerling potato-leek hash with swiss chard and eggs. It was really yummy and easy. The thing I'm realizing with all this research I've been doing into cooking is that I do know how to cook lots of things and shouldn't always feel that I have to have a recipe. I used to make things up all the time for just myself. I like trying new recipes and getting more ideas, but I feel that taking on this full time at-home mom role made me a bit intimidated at first. In the sense that I felt I was cooking for a family - because I am. That doesn't mean I'm helpless in the kitchen. A good feeling to remember.
We went to the Children's Museum today and met up with some other moms. The museum was, amazingly, not that crowded, making it a very enjoyable experience. It was also great to reconnect with my new mom friends, having not seen them in a month or so. One of the moms, Melissa, had a new baby which was exciting. Danna was talking about a sewing and how she's been doing lots of things for her daughter these days. Very inspiring. It makes me want to make Jacob something. Sadly, I can't make him a dress, but pants would still be fun to make. Maybe some jammies at some point.
I'm still feeling like I want to take on so many projects and yet, I haven't started on any! I don't know what to start first. Soon, though, soon.
I also ran into a woman I kind of know from book club. She recognized me and reintroduced herself. She has a little boy, about a year younger than Jacob. We talked about the moms group she's a part of out here. I'd like to get into that one too just to meet more moms out by me. I really like all my Portland moms but it is hard to get together easily due to the driving.
It made me feel good to run into someone like that at the museum.
This afternoon, Jacob wanted to go play out in the backyard. I had some Bonnie Raitt on the radio, the light was settling into its evening tones and I had the back door cracked to listen for the boy. I was just getting thing ready for dinner and felt so... relaxed and happy. The combination of independent time from Jacob while he was so content (splashing in the mud, examining the weeds in the yard, watching birds fly over head) and the fresh spring feeling in the air made everything come together so nicely.
Jacob came in eventually and helped me make a fingerling potato-leek hash with swiss chard and eggs. It was really yummy and easy. The thing I'm realizing with all this research I've been doing into cooking is that I do know how to cook lots of things and shouldn't always feel that I have to have a recipe. I used to make things up all the time for just myself. I like trying new recipes and getting more ideas, but I feel that taking on this full time at-home mom role made me a bit intimidated at first. In the sense that I felt I was cooking for a family - because I am. That doesn't mean I'm helpless in the kitchen. A good feeling to remember.
Day 197
April 11, 2011
My friend Lauren from Boulder texted me this am asking to Skype. What a great help after a fairly bum weekend. It was nice to just talk and have her know me and Fraser and listen. I got to see her baby, Leah and she got to see Jacob. Not the last time I'll thank technology for giving us Skype. It's really the next best thing to being able to actually go over to her house and talk to her.
Brandin came over with her son, Preston, and Mael, one of the other mom's son. It was nice to have someone over to our place. I do have two different groups of friends: the moms group that is more Portland based and then the suburbs moms who are neighbours, gym members or book clubbers. Different people, all enjoyable.
Preston and Mael were also VERY good at sharing and hanging out. Jacob was interesting. He was a bit worried about his toys at times but also was more reserved than I'd expect. He wanted to be in my lap a lot kind of watching the boys. They would come over and give him a marble. I talked up the sharing a lot. How wonderful for him and for so much less stressful for me!
Jacob fought nap time so when he asked Fraser to go to the park with him around 6:45 this evening, I said, go on! I got a half hour of quiet and they got some outdoor bonding time. The sun was shining nicely too which makes it even better.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Day 196
April 10, 2011
Went to cardio extreme this am before my pilates class. I might regret it tomorrow when I can't get out of bed or off the toilet seat without being in pain, but Jacob has a cough so I probably won't be going to the gym for some of these days and I had some stress to work off.
Jacobisms:
Today he kept saying, "Zupa!". My dad said that one time while we were in Michigan and obviously it stuck. Jacob likes to said it loud and raise his hand up too, just like Grandpa did.
Yesterday he asked for applesauce. He takes a little taste off his spoon. Then another little one. He has this really concentrated look on his face. I can tell he's thinking something. Then he says, "Apples in there." I have to laugh. Yes, there are apples in there. I explain what actually makes applesauce. It was like a revelation to him, something that just clicked at that moment that applesauce has apples in it. Hilarious.
Went to cardio extreme this am before my pilates class. I might regret it tomorrow when I can't get out of bed or off the toilet seat without being in pain, but Jacob has a cough so I probably won't be going to the gym for some of these days and I had some stress to work off.
Jacobisms:
Today he kept saying, "Zupa!". My dad said that one time while we were in Michigan and obviously it stuck. Jacob likes to said it loud and raise his hand up too, just like Grandpa did.
Yesterday he asked for applesauce. He takes a little taste off his spoon. Then another little one. He has this really concentrated look on his face. I can tell he's thinking something. Then he says, "Apples in there." I have to laugh. Yes, there are apples in there. I explain what actually makes applesauce. It was like a revelation to him, something that just clicked at that moment that applesauce has apples in it. Hilarious.
Day 195
April 9, 2011
Fraser's birthday. Jacob gave him a painting that he'd done. That was the highlight of the day.
Fraser's birthday. Jacob gave him a painting that he'd done. That was the highlight of the day.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Day 194
April 8, 2011
Sunny day. Jacob and I putzed about the house this am, trying to finish the "spring" cleaning I started a week ago. It'll be done sometime before summer, I'm pretty sure. We got outside to take a little bike ride. Jacob was riding, not me. I'll have to get my bike back up and running with the burley once the weather is more consistently nice.
It was so relaxing walking about this am. Quiet. No one about. Cool underneath the warm sunlight. Jacob led us up to another street where we came upon a young girl and her dad out playing. We got to chatting. He's originally from Boulder. Now, he's a stay at home dad to his two girls and brews his own beer. He offered me some from his kegerator that I happened to notice. Brilliant! He was nice. The girls, probably around 8 and 9, were great with Jacob, and he loved them too. And the beer was tasty. We talked of preschools, neighbours, bad driving. Good times.
Jacob has also been into hopscotch these days. It all started with a chalk drawing. Now, that's all he talks about doing when we go outside. He goes off to the garden to find a rock, takes turns with me throwing it on the board and then jumps on the numbered squares. Today he noticed that one of the squares needed a little fixing in a corner. He went into the garage, came out with some chalk, noticed it was the wrong colour, went back to get the matching colour and then chalked over the corner that wasn't entirely connected. Hilarious!
Fraser mentioned the other day that we should start thinking about preschools. I'm not ready! My baby! I don't want him to be influenced by the world just yet. He's so wonderful and unself-concsious and perfectly happy being who he is. It's going to be so hard for me to watch him go through the learning of being aware of who he is, discerning what is true and what is not from what people tell him. At least, that's what I'm afraid of. I remember it being hard at times, so I'm projecting. I'm aware of that. We all have our paths. I'm aware of that too. He came into this world through me and Fraser to learn the things that he needs to. But watching some of those things as his mother could be really sucky for me. Or not, I guess. But most likely, there will be some hard times. It's my job to help him learn how to handle that.
Oh, my baby. It makes me appreciate even more every single hug he gives me, every time he says he loves me, every time he uses my nipple (still) as a comfort object, all his laughs, his observations, his little voice squeaking out all sorts of thoughts. How amazing to watch a human being develop and to be such an intimate part of it. I am very thankful to Fraser for valuing my role as much as I do and for supporting it. It is like nothing else in the world.
Sunny day. Jacob and I putzed about the house this am, trying to finish the "spring" cleaning I started a week ago. It'll be done sometime before summer, I'm pretty sure. We got outside to take a little bike ride. Jacob was riding, not me. I'll have to get my bike back up and running with the burley once the weather is more consistently nice.
It was so relaxing walking about this am. Quiet. No one about. Cool underneath the warm sunlight. Jacob led us up to another street where we came upon a young girl and her dad out playing. We got to chatting. He's originally from Boulder. Now, he's a stay at home dad to his two girls and brews his own beer. He offered me some from his kegerator that I happened to notice. Brilliant! He was nice. The girls, probably around 8 and 9, were great with Jacob, and he loved them too. And the beer was tasty. We talked of preschools, neighbours, bad driving. Good times.
Jacob has also been into hopscotch these days. It all started with a chalk drawing. Now, that's all he talks about doing when we go outside. He goes off to the garden to find a rock, takes turns with me throwing it on the board and then jumps on the numbered squares. Today he noticed that one of the squares needed a little fixing in a corner. He went into the garage, came out with some chalk, noticed it was the wrong colour, went back to get the matching colour and then chalked over the corner that wasn't entirely connected. Hilarious!
Fraser mentioned the other day that we should start thinking about preschools. I'm not ready! My baby! I don't want him to be influenced by the world just yet. He's so wonderful and unself-concsious and perfectly happy being who he is. It's going to be so hard for me to watch him go through the learning of being aware of who he is, discerning what is true and what is not from what people tell him. At least, that's what I'm afraid of. I remember it being hard at times, so I'm projecting. I'm aware of that. We all have our paths. I'm aware of that too. He came into this world through me and Fraser to learn the things that he needs to. But watching some of those things as his mother could be really sucky for me. Or not, I guess. But most likely, there will be some hard times. It's my job to help him learn how to handle that.
Oh, my baby. It makes me appreciate even more every single hug he gives me, every time he says he loves me, every time he uses my nipple (still) as a comfort object, all his laughs, his observations, his little voice squeaking out all sorts of thoughts. How amazing to watch a human being develop and to be such an intimate part of it. I am very thankful to Fraser for valuing my role as much as I do and for supporting it. It is like nothing else in the world.
Day 193
April 7, 2011
Went to Jacob's favourite place today - the museum!! OMSI today. We'll hit up the Children's Museum next week with some other moms.
Made it to the gym. It's been a little hard to motivate. I want to go but getting Jacob into it and all has been a little bit harder. It's just too easy for me to use him as an excuse not to go. But, it has been feeling good when I've gone. Except my first pilates class last Sunday. I thought I was going to die on Monday. Maybe not die, but something pretty close. All my muscles hurt and in weird ways; it hurt to breathe, to expand my lungs. Not comfortable. I didn't feel that the class was overly difficult, either. I guess I was more fit before my three week vacation than I even knew.
Made some yummy chicken piccata tonight. A Cooking Light recipe. And some parmesan potatoes and zucchini from Giada de Laurentis. I'm working on getting back into the cooking swing too. Overall, I'd say I'm enjoying it although I do get into slumps when I just want someone to tell me what to make. I've recently gotten out a Jamie Oliver book from the library and a Barefoot Contessa book. I'm hoping to be inspired as well as learn more about the craft in general.
Day 192
April 6, 2011
Biggest thing today: Jacob and I went to have lunch with Fraser. I was thinking that it would be nice to do a regular lunch with Dadddy.
It was definitely a step above NIST, that's for sure. Corporate, or course, is going to be a step above government usually. The cafeteria had tons of choices for lunch: specials, deli, grilled sandwiches, breakfast bar, taqueria, salad bar, dessert section. Now I know why Fraser prefers to eat there instead of making his own lunch. Hmm... gonna have to work on that one.
It was very nice, though. We all had a nice time together. Good for Jacob (and me) to at least see Fraser in his place of employment occasionally. He spends so much time there; it's hard to even envision what one's husband does when he's in Fraser's line of work. Just being a physicist is enough to boggle my mind.
Jacob and I also saw a muskrat on our walk back to our car. Jacob thought the word muskrat was absolutely hilarious.
Biggest thing today: Jacob and I went to have lunch with Fraser. I was thinking that it would be nice to do a regular lunch with Dadddy.
It was definitely a step above NIST, that's for sure. Corporate, or course, is going to be a step above government usually. The cafeteria had tons of choices for lunch: specials, deli, grilled sandwiches, breakfast bar, taqueria, salad bar, dessert section. Now I know why Fraser prefers to eat there instead of making his own lunch. Hmm... gonna have to work on that one.
It was very nice, though. We all had a nice time together. Good for Jacob (and me) to at least see Fraser in his place of employment occasionally. He spends so much time there; it's hard to even envision what one's husband does when he's in Fraser's line of work. Just being a physicist is enough to boggle my mind.
Jacob and I also saw a muskrat on our walk back to our car. Jacob thought the word muskrat was absolutely hilarious.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Day 191: Budget - a call for help
April 5, 2011
Finance day! Whoohoo! Let's get fired up!! Yea!
Alright, I have to do something to psych myself up for the tediousness. I feel that if only I could get a reliable system down, it wouldn't be that difficult to keep up with. We do not have that system yet. I've accepted that monitoring money is just that - monitoring. Frequently. But the system for keeping track and planning cannot be so bleeping miserable.
Don't get me wrong, I understand the concept of a budget. We've tried Excel spreadsheets, we've tried old fashioned paper and pencil, we're in the process of trying Quicken (not an intuitively easy program, if you ask me). It's the system, the way to keep track, that is so difficult.
So, I'm open for ideas. Who out there feels like they have control over their finances? I'd love to hear how you do it. One condition: it cannot take me the majority of my "free" time (nap times, evenings, weekends) to keep up with it. Please, send me a message or an email (jwink25@hotmail.com). I'm ready.
Finance day! Whoohoo! Let's get fired up!! Yea!
Alright, I have to do something to psych myself up for the tediousness. I feel that if only I could get a reliable system down, it wouldn't be that difficult to keep up with. We do not have that system yet. I've accepted that monitoring money is just that - monitoring. Frequently. But the system for keeping track and planning cannot be so bleeping miserable.
Don't get me wrong, I understand the concept of a budget. We've tried Excel spreadsheets, we've tried old fashioned paper and pencil, we're in the process of trying Quicken (not an intuitively easy program, if you ask me). It's the system, the way to keep track, that is so difficult.
So, I'm open for ideas. Who out there feels like they have control over their finances? I'd love to hear how you do it. One condition: it cannot take me the majority of my "free" time (nap times, evenings, weekends) to keep up with it. Please, send me a message or an email (jwink25@hotmail.com). I'm ready.
Day 190: Slight soapbox
April 4, 2011
Crabby day today, even with yoga. Bummer.
And I'm missing Colorado. My yoga mat still smells like incense and just remembering back to Telluride makes me miss those mountains and clear blue skies.
I was thinking of my friend Tiffany later: she'd send out a text about happy hour at the Cafe, Jacob and I would take the bus down and hang out with her, people watching and catching up. Fraser would usually join us eventually then we'd take the bus back home.
Oh, those were the days. We're adjusting here but there are times when I just miss it back there.
Okay, I just heard a commercial on the radio for Target. And for the first time, their motto really hit me as totally absurd. Expect more - pay less. I've never really registered that before, but really, it could be the slogan for why America is going downhill. I'm not turning into some conservative, right-wing, anti-welfare/Medicare/Medicaid being, no. But when you tell people to expect more but not have to pay for it, what do you think is going to happen? Things are going to be, cheaply and poorly, in China. At a certain point, there is no one to blame but ourselves for allowing lead in children's toys and cancer causing ingredients in our plastics. Look in the mirror, America! You can't have it both ways: cheap stuff, good quality. That's capitalism for you. That's supply and demand. Making quality items takes labour, energy, time and ideally, a sustainability factor. Those things are not and should not be free. Maybe we'd have a few more jobs in the U.S. if we didn't support mottos like that.
Crabby day today, even with yoga. Bummer.
And I'm missing Colorado. My yoga mat still smells like incense and just remembering back to Telluride makes me miss those mountains and clear blue skies.
I was thinking of my friend Tiffany later: she'd send out a text about happy hour at the Cafe, Jacob and I would take the bus down and hang out with her, people watching and catching up. Fraser would usually join us eventually then we'd take the bus back home.
Oh, those were the days. We're adjusting here but there are times when I just miss it back there.
Okay, I just heard a commercial on the radio for Target. And for the first time, their motto really hit me as totally absurd. Expect more - pay less. I've never really registered that before, but really, it could be the slogan for why America is going downhill. I'm not turning into some conservative, right-wing, anti-welfare/Medicare/Medicaid being, no. But when you tell people to expect more but not have to pay for it, what do you think is going to happen? Things are going to be, cheaply and poorly, in China. At a certain point, there is no one to blame but ourselves for allowing lead in children's toys and cancer causing ingredients in our plastics. Look in the mirror, America! You can't have it both ways: cheap stuff, good quality. That's capitalism for you. That's supply and demand. Making quality items takes labour, energy, time and ideally, a sustainability factor. Those things are not and should not be free. Maybe we'd have a few more jobs in the U.S. if we didn't support mottos like that.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Day 189: Ponderances of momhood
April 3, 2011
When vacuuming is the most relaxing thing I've done today, should I worry? It's just nice to have that white noise going and to not hear anyone talking to me. I can just zone out, let my mind wander, imagine that I'm by myself for just a bit and actually be doing something productive as well!
I'm working on... hmmm... learning about myself, defining my role as a stay-at-home mom, figuring out the things that make me happy - all while being a teacher, chef, accountant, psychologist, housekeeper, comfort object, event coordinator and then some. And I only have one child! I absolutely love being a stay-at-home mom: being present for Jacob, teaching him, comforting him, supporting his being. I love being able to learn new things, things that I want to learn: sewing, gardening, writing, photography, cooking. And still it's challenging figuring out what to have in my days, how to spend the little bit of time I have while Jacob is sleeping or playing by himself. It's challenging because my brain gets a different kind of exercise now. It's challenging because I don't yet have a close community here to go to when it's hard. It's challenging because nobody can be patient all the time, 24/7, and at some point, my frustration comes out at somebody.
I read other people's blogs, sometimes, or see other stay-at-home moms doing all sorts of things, and it's hard not to compare myself. It's hard not to think, okay, so what am I doing? I don't have a homemade loaf of bread on the table for dinner, I don't sell things online, I don't read articles online and then tell my readers about parenting issues or political issues or environmental issues. I am a mom. That should feel like enough. After all, I am raising a human being. I am raising a person who is going to become part of this world and hopefully, do something helpful. I am teaching him almost everything he knows apart from observation. And I'm teaching him those things too, sometimes unawares! There are no breaks in parenting. No weekends, no vacations, no smoke breaks. So, yes, being a mom should be enough.
Still, I do have lots of things I'm good at and that I want to incorporate into my life: making cards (possibly selling them), writing (which I am doing almost daily!), growing things (plants, that is, not pet elephants or anything like that). So, we'll just see. I'm reading a book my mom gave me called, Stay Home, Stay Happy. I wouldn't say that I'm not happy just.... discovering what that means, in new ways than I have before. Life is a journey and all these experiences are the joy of it.
When vacuuming is the most relaxing thing I've done today, should I worry? It's just nice to have that white noise going and to not hear anyone talking to me. I can just zone out, let my mind wander, imagine that I'm by myself for just a bit and actually be doing something productive as well!
I'm working on... hmmm... learning about myself, defining my role as a stay-at-home mom, figuring out the things that make me happy - all while being a teacher, chef, accountant, psychologist, housekeeper, comfort object, event coordinator and then some. And I only have one child! I absolutely love being a stay-at-home mom: being present for Jacob, teaching him, comforting him, supporting his being. I love being able to learn new things, things that I want to learn: sewing, gardening, writing, photography, cooking. And still it's challenging figuring out what to have in my days, how to spend the little bit of time I have while Jacob is sleeping or playing by himself. It's challenging because my brain gets a different kind of exercise now. It's challenging because I don't yet have a close community here to go to when it's hard. It's challenging because nobody can be patient all the time, 24/7, and at some point, my frustration comes out at somebody.
I read other people's blogs, sometimes, or see other stay-at-home moms doing all sorts of things, and it's hard not to compare myself. It's hard not to think, okay, so what am I doing? I don't have a homemade loaf of bread on the table for dinner, I don't sell things online, I don't read articles online and then tell my readers about parenting issues or political issues or environmental issues. I am a mom. That should feel like enough. After all, I am raising a human being. I am raising a person who is going to become part of this world and hopefully, do something helpful. I am teaching him almost everything he knows apart from observation. And I'm teaching him those things too, sometimes unawares! There are no breaks in parenting. No weekends, no vacations, no smoke breaks. So, yes, being a mom should be enough.
Still, I do have lots of things I'm good at and that I want to incorporate into my life: making cards (possibly selling them), writing (which I am doing almost daily!), growing things (plants, that is, not pet elephants or anything like that). So, we'll just see. I'm reading a book my mom gave me called, Stay Home, Stay Happy. I wouldn't say that I'm not happy just.... discovering what that means, in new ways than I have before. Life is a journey and all these experiences are the joy of it.
Day 188
April 2, 2011
We decided this morning to get and about. We headed downtown for two things: use my Lush gift card that Julie gave us for Christmas and check out the Portland Saturday market.
Jacob didn't want to leave the house but we made him. First stop, Lush. How lovely to pick out such earth-friendly, wonderfully feeling and smelling products. The girl helping me demoed everything on me which was fun. Jacob got to see some fun things too, like a bath bomb. I ended up with some facial cleanser, toners and some moisturizer samples, natural deodorant two body massage bars. What a treat to get nice things for myself that make me feel special. My sister knows me too well; she knows I don't spend money on myself for things like that. I'm too practical. So she makes me. That's love for you.
We got into the car which Jacob did not want to do. He had a total scream fest and in the five minutes it took us to get to the market, he was asleep. A bit of jet lag, I guess, catching up with him.
Second stop, Saturday Market. Well, of course by this time, it was rainy. It was also chilly and we did not have all the proper attire. We were okay but should've had warmer jackets or raincoats over our fleeces. Alas, it was neat anyway. Tons of vendors selling all sorts of cool things: art, carved wooden things, clothes, jewelry, etc. It was like the Boulder Creek Festival but apparently this one sets up every Saturday. We didn't stay long today. We had some tasty food, listened to a bit of bluegrass and headed home to put Jacob to bed.
He took a three and a half hour nap!! Definitely tired. That's because he's back to getting up at 6 am. I'm hoping a bit of that is still time zone adjustment. In Michigan he was sleeping till 7 or 7:30 regularly. Which reminds me: I want to give a HUGE (delayed) thank you to my wonderful mother for getting up with Jacob every day of our trip. He slept in their bedroom, and my mom got up with him, hung out, fed him breakfast and clothed him before letting him come to get me up. What a treat!! What an amazing, fantastic, never experienced in the past two and a half years treat. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
We decided this morning to get and about. We headed downtown for two things: use my Lush gift card that Julie gave us for Christmas and check out the Portland Saturday market.
Jacob didn't want to leave the house but we made him. First stop, Lush. How lovely to pick out such earth-friendly, wonderfully feeling and smelling products. The girl helping me demoed everything on me which was fun. Jacob got to see some fun things too, like a bath bomb. I ended up with some facial cleanser, toners and some moisturizer samples, natural deodorant two body massage bars. What a treat to get nice things for myself that make me feel special. My sister knows me too well; she knows I don't spend money on myself for things like that. I'm too practical. So she makes me. That's love for you.
We got into the car which Jacob did not want to do. He had a total scream fest and in the five minutes it took us to get to the market, he was asleep. A bit of jet lag, I guess, catching up with him.
Second stop, Saturday Market. Well, of course by this time, it was rainy. It was also chilly and we did not have all the proper attire. We were okay but should've had warmer jackets or raincoats over our fleeces. Alas, it was neat anyway. Tons of vendors selling all sorts of cool things: art, carved wooden things, clothes, jewelry, etc. It was like the Boulder Creek Festival but apparently this one sets up every Saturday. We didn't stay long today. We had some tasty food, listened to a bit of bluegrass and headed home to put Jacob to bed.
He took a three and a half hour nap!! Definitely tired. That's because he's back to getting up at 6 am. I'm hoping a bit of that is still time zone adjustment. In Michigan he was sleeping till 7 or 7:30 regularly. Which reminds me: I want to give a HUGE (delayed) thank you to my wonderful mother for getting up with Jacob every day of our trip. He slept in their bedroom, and my mom got up with him, hung out, fed him breakfast and clothed him before letting him come to get me up. What a treat!! What an amazing, fantastic, never experienced in the past two and a half years treat. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Day 187
April 1, 2011
Went to the gym today!! Whoohoo. How I've missed it. Ran into my pilates instructor and another woman I've talked with before. More reassurance from the universe that I'm more into this place than I think I am.
Back to some blah errands but another pretty afternoon. The birds are chirping away, the sky is blue with some big puffy clouds sailing about and it's warm! The windows are open and I'm feeling some major spring cleaning coming on - or at least until the pre-menstrual phase ends. I try to utilize the motivation when I have it.
Got my bedroom and bathroom spic and span. Probably cleaner than when we arrived, actually. At least the room I'm sleeping in will now feel wonderful.
Went to the gym today!! Whoohoo. How I've missed it. Ran into my pilates instructor and another woman I've talked with before. More reassurance from the universe that I'm more into this place than I think I am.
Back to some blah errands but another pretty afternoon. The birds are chirping away, the sky is blue with some big puffy clouds sailing about and it's warm! The windows are open and I'm feeling some major spring cleaning coming on - or at least until the pre-menstrual phase ends. I try to utilize the motivation when I have it.
Got my bedroom and bathroom spic and span. Probably cleaner than when we arrived, actually. At least the room I'm sleeping in will now feel wonderful.
Day 186: Re-Entry
March 31, 2011
Boy woke up at 2:42 but went back to sleep, then again at 5. No hope of going back down then so we were quite tired this morning. Also a bit lonely. Family withdrawal was rough. Also seeing Fraser for a few short hours last night and minutes this morning. I also miss my Boulder neighbours: going next door to Cindy's to catch up on the trip and what's going on in the gardens, popping over to Margaret's and having a beer with her as her four kids and Jacob played together or having Kelly invite us over for some tea and talking. I miss that feel of community so much and coming back here makes me miss them all more than I have since our arrival. Odd not to have friends calling and wanting to get together.
There are some things I missed though, like sharp knives, deciding on my food choices, my husband, fresh cracked pepper, cutting boards. Not to say anything against my family, but after doing more cooking, I'm used to the things I use regularly.
Things I don't like: feeling new in a place still, cleaning my house (although Fraser did pick up and vacuum which was wonderful), always being in charge of what to make for dinner, suburbia, no siblings for company.
Finally got out of the house this pm when the sun was shining (something that apparently hasn't happened around here in the past three weeks - almost). Went to the grocery store, ran into one of our babysitters. Then went out to look at the beautiful flowers. Everything is blooming here! It smells wonderful, not only like flowers, but also like... something from my childhood: humid air being warmed by the spring sun, the plants coming back to life from the wet earth, the musky smell of boxwoods that will always remind me of visiting Oregon as a child. The smell of having the windows open for the first time, clearing out the dusty smells of winter with air that smells of clean laundry. That is lovely.
Went to the park, saw a bald eagle and ran into our other babysitter and all Karen's kids who said hi. Running into two people I "know" made me feel better. I feel that maybe I'm not totally new here after all. And my friend Brandin did send me an email just the other day asking when I was coming back. I guess it feels worse when thinking about Boulder but on its own, it's not so bad.
Day 185
March 30, 2011
Travel day. Sad. Waiting around to leave. Thankfully we didn't have to get up at the butt crack of dawn but that meant that we'd be traveling late. Jacob fell asleep for 10 minutes on the way to the airport which I hoped would hold him until our second flight from Chicago to Portland. We had a slightly tearful goodbye at security with Grammy and then, were off on our own again.
This was the first time I was going to be coming "home" to someplace other than Boulder, and it was an odd feeling. I'd think about going home and say something to Jacob like, "How are we going to get this back to Colorado?" only to realize afterwards what I was saying.
Got to Chicago with no problems and was able to hang out with my old college forensics friend, Dave. Dave "the laugh", as he is known in my family. A nickname that came about after a visit with my family that involved a "triathlon" of sorts in which the prize was my Dad's 6 string guitar. Sadly, I didn't win the entire thing and so, still do not have that guitar. It was great to see Dave, though. I don't remember the last time we've hung out and even though it was just 45 minutes, it was better than nothing. I miss having people like him in my life who are so full of energy and musically inclined and just out to have random, crazy fun. Even though visits are few and far between, it's good to have him in my life still.
We got on our second airplane and I thought surely the boy could pass out after an hour or so. The whole flight was 4 hours. He was sleepy, oh yes. His eyes were heavy. But would he go to sleep? Oh no. "Ga-cob not go to sleep." I'd try to sing him his bedtime songs and he'd call me out on it, "No Mommy sing bedtime song. No Ga-cob go sleep." Sigh. Okay. He was amazing, though. Not one fuss on that whole trip. He played with the headphones, looked out the window, read books, did stickers, played with his sponge puppets, ate some food. I was impressed.
As soon as we got off the plane, he says, "Daddy?" I was glad he was thinking of Daddy in a positive light. When we did get to Daddy, Jacob was all smiles, giving Fraser a big, long cuddly hug. Very adorable. I was glad to see him too.
Definitely weird to come home to Portland. More so when I got off the plane and didn't recognize the familiarity of it like I do with Denver and with the drive home where I had to idea, except generally, where we were going. But a balmy 57 degrees here which felt good after the mid 30s we'd had in Michigan.
Jacob was out in the back seat within five minutes of the drive home. Didn't budge when I moved him to his bed. Poor little dude was exhausted. What stamina. I was not far behind!
Day 184
March 29, 2011
We decided not to leave until afternoon, so we got in a bit more sledding and hanging out in the am. We ended up all piled in Julie's bed, taking pictures of ourselves and not wanting to part ways. Eventually, though, the time came.
My mom, Jacob and I left around 5:30 to drive back down state. Jacob was great, only fussing a bit toward the end about wanting to sit on my lap. Sadly, Nick and Amy were both out of town for work so, although we were staying at their place, we didn't get to see them again.
Jacob went down around 10:30 while my mom and I stayed up playing cards and talking politics and religion (almost ended the vacation on a sour note but we pulled it back around). We were living in denial that I was leaving the next day.
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