Day 126: Missing the fam

January 30, 2011

Busy weekend for Fraser. He didn't have to go in to work but did work a lot from home. At least we got to see his face and feel his presence. He and Jacob hung out this am. All that I've read and heard about daddy issues at this age say to make special time for the two of them without mom and just keep at it. It's a (horrible) stage that will eventually pass. 

The rest of the day was more mom-centric, but I can tell a difference on the days Fraser gets up with him. He's more mellow about Dad, let's him do more things, isn't SO clingy. Still mommy needy but slightly less. Same thing happened when Fraser and I spent our night out, and Jacob stayed with Mimi and Pop. They got so much closer and the clingy-ness diminished. (Even now, he talks about them a lot and wants me to call them on his phone. It's adorable how he really believes I'm talking to them. Naivete... what a wonderful state... for awhile.) Wonderful. It is such an honour to be his object of affection. And when he gives someone else a bit of love, I love it too.

My homeys

More pictures today. I'm making progress but it's a bit slow going at times. I found out that I hadn't put any pictures on Snapfish from my trip to MI last July. Yeah, that was a lot of pictures. Looking at them was fun, though. There were pictures that just made me laugh out loud (I've kept some out due to inappropriate content). I love my family. They're crazy, no doubt. But I love them so much, craziness and all. I just choose to stay out of some of the craziness at this point. I'm very excited to be visiting in March.

The famed whiskey shot into the fire by Pops - at the new house

Had to listen to some Neil tonight. Missing my family can inspire that although it's not the only thing that does. Best American songwriter of all time after all. Jacob and I played dominoes (a new favourite game), blocks, Scrabble and Monopoly while listening. He's very into games these days. Just likes to play with the pieces, sometimes try to move some spaces. Very funny. When playing with the blocks, he has this wooden giraffe from the train set and he always says, "Looks tired. Giraffe looks tired. Take a nap." He finds a nice wooden block and lays the giraffe down. I don't think I'll ask him how I look. Hahaha...

Day 125: A third of a year

January 29, 2011

Well, we've been in Portland for a third of a year at this point. Seems like a very long time in some ways. In others, short. Lots of areas still feel new to me here and will for awhile. But I also have a much larger comfort zone than when first arriving. People and places to visit as well as things to do. I've been looking at pictures to order and seeing our old house, the snow covered backyard, mountains.... all this makes me lonely for a place that means so much to me. Here is nice and will continue to expand, but my heart still resides in Colorado.

We took a family trip to the park this morning. Jacob rode his little bike all the way there. He was a little daredevil today on the slides. First, it was just going down sitting up. Then he wanted to try head first. Fine. He loved it. Next level, head first, backwards. Right. He just laid down and pushed off with his little feet, no fear. He enjoyed it. The slide even had a curve in it that seemed to bump his head a little. Not phased. This might foreshadow trouble in a few years.

Came home and he had a total fit. He wanted cookies for lunch. I said no, not without something else first. And that was that. Another good reason to not have any of those things around the house. This is how I stay skinny (that and fantastic genes). He was still having those little uncontrollable, shaky breaths when I put him in his bed. Sad, yes. 

I hate the battles, and I know they've just begun. Where's the line between making a point and pushing it beyond his limits? I know kids understand way more than most people (read: adults) give them credit for. And yet, they also are run by emotions and get totally hysterical and then, is my point really making the impression I'm after? Meanwhile, I just exhausted from going to battle so many times a day: diaper changes, meals, bath time, how many books we can read, not jumping on the couch, etc. Oh, defining boundaries. I know why it's so easy to let them slide; it's constant work to set them and hold them. And once I start second guessing myself, he can tell and then, the struggle gets even worse. But I don't always know that my answer is the "right" one. The times I'm sure aren't the problem. It's the in between times, when I'm questioning things as well. Aaahhh.... to be a parent. The lessons I still have to learn. The challenges my children will help me face. It is, and always shall be, an adventure.

Then there are the times like this that just make me pause:
As Jacob is eating his yogurt the other day, he tells me that his spoon is a lever. I have to think about it for a bit before I realize, he's right. You push on the handle and up lifts the yogurt. Wow. I can thank the Berenstain Bears' Science Fair for that knowledge.

Day 124

January 28, 2011

Down day. That fantastic time of the month for a woman when all I feel like doing is crawling into bed with some heat on my abdomen and a good strong dose of pain pills. Not pleasant. Evolution got something really wrong on this one.

Jacob and I did manage to make chicken and dumplings (Cooks Illustrated Sep/Oct 09). A recommendation from Mom and Dad D. Very tasty. Similar to my mom's chicken and dumpling soup. Both wonderful, comforting options to keep on hand.

Fraser and I watched Toy Story 3 after the boy went to bed. Cute movie, just like the others. Sad too. Just reminding me that someday Jacob will be off to college and it will be a day filled with joy and sadness. I can wait.

Day 123

January 27, 2011

Went to the library this morning. Good to get out of the house a bit and find some new books, including a new I Spy (those are as good for me and Fraser as for Jacob). 

While he napped today, I worked on my quilt. More specific cutting. I'm excited to feel it progressing. Sometimes I feel that I "start" a project then get waylaid by numerous other things. But I'm really enjoying the time and the craft of it, the creativity and selfishness of it. Something I've wanted to do for years and am finally doing.

Tonight I was reading my new favourite blog, Soulemama. This woman is... unbelievable. I mean that word somewhat literally. She has four children, is pregnant and still has time somehow to knit, sew, craft, cook, do fixes to her house, and keep up a blog. I really don't understand. I am not using my time efficiently, is what I gather. I'm just getting into it so when I figure out some secrets, I'll use them in my daily life. 

What she is, though, is.... intriguing to me. I like the idea of repurposing items, crafting, making homemade things. I don't know that I could get into knitting that much but I don't even know how to knit so that could be the first problem. I don't want to compare myself because I am not her, first and foremost. I don't have all the same aspirations. And yet, she is inspirational to a fellow homemaker. That role is so underplayed in our society.  A true HOME maker entails so much and a knack for doing so. Some people are really not that good at it. I want my home to feel that way - homey, comforting, supportive, warm, safe, inspiring, encouraging for all those in it. It is a journey, a process of finding what that means to me and to us as a family. I don't know what our home will become over the years, but I do know it will continue to grow as we do.

Day 122

January 26, 2011

Jacob slept till 7:30 this morning! This is unheard of. I almost went in there to check on him. It's probably because of his cold. I was able to get up, dress, listen to some of Democracy Now while making out a grocery list before I heard him. Amazing. I praised him up and down for sleeping so well, telling him how much his body loved it, how proud I was of him and how happy it made me. He is just so inconsistent, it's crazy. I really feel like other people's kids are a bit more regular than him. My luck.


We all went to get the car this morning, Jacob pitching a total screamfit because he wanted Mommy to drive. Sigh. Roll up the limo window in my mind and try to block out the screams. Finally, I had to turn around and try to comfort him. He at least got quieter. Whew. Grocery shopping was much quieter after Daddy was out of the car. Sadly.

Jacob asked for a pomegranate and a star fruit from the grocery store. When we got home, he wanted to eat the star fruit. He just devoured it; ate it like an apple. Well it doesn't really have the same kind of core, but he just gobbled it up, telling me "uh-oh" when some of the juice got on the floor. "Mommy clean it up." Yes, Mommy will clean it up. He has some type A qualities about having things a certain way, like all toddlers usually do at some point. It's the routine and familiarity of it that they grab onto. I'm glad he knows to wipe his hands when he's done eating and lean over when eating his food. Fixing the corners of a blanket on the floor when it flips up might be a bit over the top, but I'm not ready to discourage that just yet. 

Talked to my mom for a bit. That was nice. Gave me some help on the quilting project - info on interfacing. And then, told me the best advice: "Put him down for his nap and then do whatever you want". Hmm... what a thought. So, I am.

Started the more exact cutting of the shirts today. It's getting easier to cut them at this point. More exciting thinking of their new life. I still haven't cut my favourites. Still procrastinating on them. But the ones I am cutting are getting me over the sad parts. Today, I listened to some U2 first - All That You Can't Leave Behind. Followed by Coldplay - Parachutes. I felt like listening to music that was important to me in college. Interesting. 

Tonight Jacob and I made a beef and butternut squash stew thing but used elk instead. Pretty tasty. A little gamey. Jacob actually tried it and seemed to enjoy it but just wasn't too hungry at that point. 

Someone else who likes quilting

We went out for a night walk after dinner. He's been talking about going out in the dark so we tried it. He loved it. He wanted to ride his bike. Off down the street he zoomed, stopping to look at sewer covers and sprinkler systems: "Water in da tubes, water goes dere, comes out dere". He loves how things work.


Bath time. I bribed him at the end, telling him he could have three books for bedtime if he got out of the bath and brushed his teeth quickly. In general, I don't like bribes, but I think of this more as an incentive. A reward. And he was great tonight and got his three books. Hallelujah for me.

 

Day 121: Terrible Twos?

January 25, 2010

Dealt with the beatermobile this am. A.k.a my Honda Accord. Recently the upper wheel area has been making a grinding/clicking noise, making one feel like something is going to break at any moment. Called the tow truck for it. It does run but this way is safer and putting to use the service that we already have. 

Went sut for a nature walk. Short. Chilly. Ended up at Karen's house. That was a nice break for me. It'd been awhile since we've hung out. Can't say enough how much I appreciate having her nearby.


After a short nap, we ended up outside again. This time we saw some neighbours playing basketball and went over to check it out. Two girls and their mom. They shared one of their little basketballs with Jacob, and he was just beside himself with happiness.

We also saw a biker ride by at one point who then turned around and said, "Jill?" I could not imagine who it was at first even though I recognized the voice. It was a woman from my pilates class who lives nearby.  We chatted for a bit about biking to work and whatnot before she headed on her way. Nice. 
There's actually another young mom who I met at the gym who lives right down the street also. We found that out recently when I couldn't meet her at the gym due to Jacob's cold. Turns out we'll be able to hang out in other ways, very easily. It feels slow going at times but these are the things that make me realize I am making inroads in the area.


The car ordeal turned out not to be as bad as it could've been. We were thinking it was going to be super expensive and more worth it to look into a newer car. Thankfully, this wasn't that time yet. I'm sure it's not far, though.


Fraser got home tonight and, amazingly, I was still motivated to go to the gym. I was gone for an hour and the whole time, Jacob pitched a fit. Crying, yelling, not eating his dinner that I had just made for him. Not fun for anyone, least of all poor Fraser. So many people tell us that this phase will pass too, and in our heads, we know it. But it is so frustrating. We go from having a nice weekend to two days of "Daddy go away", "No Daddy talk" or "Daddy leave". Talk about misery. I don't really know what else to do about it except keep having the two of them hang out together and talk up Daddy when he's not home. Jacob has dropped down to only one nursing every other day so maybe that's part of it. I have no idea. But I hope Fraser makes it through.

Day 120

January 24, 2011

Jacob has the sniffles. A congested nose. Bummer. All regular plans out the window. At least he's still in decent spirits. We went over to the "marble store" a.k.a toy store. Played there for a bit. Came home and he scarfed down some chicken soup with carrots (okay, it was Ramen with carrots). Then we entered the craft realm again. We're finishing up some Valentine's cards. We got some glitter glue at Michael's yesterday (hot pink, Jacob's choice), and I was trying to get the thing open. After tugging at the top for awhile, trying to pry it off with scissors, pull it off with my teeth, I finally tried squeezing it. POP! Off came the top as well as some nice glops of hot pink glitter glue. On the floor, the table and the wall. I had to laugh. It was pretty funny. Jacob didn't quite know what to make of it himself. After the cleanup, he has his shot at it which turned out to be much neater than Mom's. 

Talked to my gran this afternoon. She's up in Montana visiting little Charlie. She sounded absolutely delighted, happy, exuberant, youthful. It was adorable. She said he's a good little baby thus far. Likes being held, eats "like a rancher" and is on a good sleeping pattern. 

Felt a bit like a long afternoon even though Fraser got home "early" at 6. We were inside a lot today and he's been needy. It's just a lot after a long day of doing it. But bath time was really fun, as usual. He just loves playing in there. It's fun to watch him swim around and play with his toys. 


Random Jacobism:
He'll say "mm-hm" at the end of statements (like I do, I guess) when something is true. Example: "Gacob put olives on pizza, mm-hm". "Ga-cob eat that, mm-hm".


Always makes me aware of the things I do and I say. 
Did I mention yet how he tells the cat to "Get off! Get off Shilo kitty". Or he'll say, "knock it off" while smacking his hand down. Yes, very.... interesting. What a great mirror.

Day 119

January 23, 2011

Relaxing day. Laundry. Jacob and I went to Michael's to get some more craft stuff. Jacob has been totally into crafts these days ("Craft. Now. Ga-cob do craft now."). I'm trying to something else fun for me today. Don't know if I'll get to more quilting stuff or if I'll settle on organizing pictures. Snapfish has free shipping now until Feb 2nd so it's the perfect time to get current on my pictures! 

Did work on pictures during naptime. Good memories of hanging out with family. Jacob looking so little and with such little hair. 

He woke up from his nap after only 45 minutes, from a dream, I think. I went in there and picked him up, rocked him for awhile. I asked him if he'd had a dream, a picture in his head, that woke him up. I told him sometimes we see things in our heads while we're sleeping. Sometimes they're good, sometimes not. And sometimes they wake us up. After another minute I asked if he wanted to go back to bed and try to sleep some more. He actually said yes and did go back to sleep. That was the amazing part. 


Otherwise, good Sunday. Good in part because we are SO close to being done with football!! Go Packers. Just end this nightmare, please. There is really nothing I can think of that's comparable that I like to do, that takes up entire afternoons and evenings on weekends and during the week sometimes. No, Fraser doesn't watch as much as many guys. It's still time when he gets to go off and remain, mostly, unbothered for hours. That's one of the biggest parts that irk me. If I could get that equivalent time to craft or write or.... whatever by myself, I would say good, even trade. As it is, being a mom is a full-time job, no weekends for us. No weekends, no holidays, no overtime pay or bonuses. We have the most important job in the world with rewards that are not quantifiable. The rewards are wonderful, don't get me wrong. It still remains a constant job that demands every aspect of your being. Occasionally, I'd like a weekend.

Day 118

January 22, 2011

Ah, Saturday. Got a hair trim, had a nice pilates class. Then I went out with the moms from my moms group. We had some appetizers at South Park in downtown Portland then headed over to the Schnitzer Concert Hall to see a show called Three Broadway Divas. The Oregon Symphony Orchestra played while three ladies from Broadway sang female songs from different shows. It was a fun show. Good music. Good singing. Good times with the other ladies. Nice for me to get out of the house. Nice for Jacob and Fraser to hang out too.

Fraser and Jacob had gone out to a store after I left and then Jacob asked to go to the grocery store for pizza. So they went and got all the ingredients that Jacob asked for: red and green peppers, sausage, mushrooms and olives. And they made a pizza together. Very sweet. 

Day 117

January 21, 2011

Okay, writing two days past this date which is never good for the memory. Well, it's probably good for my memory to exercise but not good for remembering what actually happened. 

The whole family went to the gym in the evening for a family night. They had some different games and crafts for the kids, including a bounce house. Jacob and I were both excited about that part. We got there right when the event started and got into the (short) line for the bounce house. Got to the entrance, he wouldn't go in. Granted, there were a bunch of older kids in there and it looked a bit intimidating. So, we played with other things: he built a tower out of cones, we made a Valentine craft. Then we asked to go in the bouncy castle again. Of course the line now was quite long. But we waited. It was probably only 12 minutes or so but felt like much longer especially with bratty kids in front of us and others trying to cut. Drives me up a wall. There was not much structure to the whole thing. We finally made it, though, and Jacob did go in. I let him jump for a bit (shoulda let him do it longer) and then told him it was time to get out. He was so sad. He cried. It was really sad. I would've loved to let him go on again but not with that line. My blood pressure was high enough at that point. I'm glad he went on but sad to witness one of those disappointments in life for my child.

Day 116: Tribute

January 20, 2011

Craft warehouse. Wonderful. I could get lost in there. Like a cross between Michael's and Joann's. Whoa. I went to look for a small picture album for Jacob. Of course, I got sucked into the quilting section.  So many fabrics, so little time. I was looking at fat quarters and bolts of fabric pondering how I could justify buying some when I came upon a delightful pattern for a cute little wallet. Best part of it, I could get two fat quarters to make it! A nice, older lady saw me looking at the pattern and came to praise it. She said it was very easy and that she's made many of them for all her friends. Even better. It took me quite awhile to pick out only four fabrics but eventually, with Jacob's help, I did. I don't want this to take away from my t-shirt quilt but I might need a something a bit lighter at times. 

Top three

I've cut up almost all my t-shirts. There are just five left. My favourites. I can't do it just yet. The more I've cut, the more they seem just like fabric. And yet, cutting these feels more final than the others. It means I can never wear them again. It might seem crazy, and maybe it is. But there it is. I even tried on three of them. Just to feel them again. Different, but familiar. My old 25-cent-second-hand-hand-me-down-t-shirt style. Not that too much has probably changed with my style except my t-shirts. It's been a conscious change, too. I've made an effort to get a few more "nice" t-shirts, which only means they cost $8 and came from Target. Now that I'm here, I miss aspects of the old style. Interesting. It makes me want to search the Goodwills out here for some good shirts.

As I've been preparing my shirts, I've also noticed their smell. It's a soft, pleasant scent that fills me with nostalgia. In some ways, it reminds me of my mother. Her closet always smelled so wonderful to me; lightly sweet, soft and comfortable, her clothes still carrying her scent. Sometimes, if I was missing her, I would go in there and just smell. It was such a reassuring smell. Maybe the way my shirts smell is my own scent. There's a mix of fabric, my skin and the ink from the pictures. It's not as sweet as my mothers smell. A bit more of the thread's scent. But similar as well with that soft, familiarness to it. 

One of the top five

When I got Jacob from his nap, we cuddled in the rocking chair in his room for awhile. Working on the quilt slowed me down, especially my mind, and then with Jacob, I could just sit with him, thinking of nothing else but how he felt and smelled and sounded in my arms. It felt wonderful.


Tonight the boy was lit up. For dinner I finally got him to accept more than just blueberries. A hashbrown and cheese stick also went down. The kid's going to turn blue one of these days. He wanted to play the baby bird game, something I remember from my childhood and my siblings. Obviously there's a lot about it that works. He's the baby bird and I'm the mommy bird and I feed him his food. We come up with elaborate stories like he's a baby eagle and I've caught fish in my sharp talons and brought it back for him. Or I came upon some people having a picnic and swooped down and got their toast because I knew he would like it. Pretty funny, really, but he just loves it. 

Someone needs a haircut. He looks like a hobbit.

After dinner, his action time. He wanted to play horses and gallop around the house. Around and around and around and around the house. "Gi-ee-up", he says. I have to use the yard stick as my horse. After going around enough times to get dizzy, I asked him, "Don't you ever get tired, horsey?" His answer, "No." I could've guessed.


Thankfully, though, we played some quiet games afterwards, before bedtime. He wants to "play" Apples to Apples sometimes which really means taking the cards out and putting them away while making the apples do a funny talking sound. I do try to absorb as much as possible because it's so wonderful. And I'm just pooped sometimes, too. I love bedtime.


I talked to my friend, Bats (Beth-Across-the-Street because we used to live across the street from each other) tonight. My oldest and one of my dearest friends (and I'm not just saying that because you're reading it). She has a boy a year younger than Jacob, and it's so wonderful to connect on parenting and life. Lots of changes in both of us over the past 19 years (holy shit) and yet I feel like we're at one of our closest points. Really awesome. I'm fortunate to have such a good friend in my life. And thankful that she's more of a night owl than me. Three hours makes a huge difference at night when I have to wait until 11 her time to even call. It's 10 here, and I'm fading.

Day 115: Today I feel.... contemplative

January 19, 2011

A beautiful, clear, cold morning today with gorgeous sunshine. Jacob and I got out there for a little fresh air and vitamin D. 

Beautiful but c-c-cold! The sun does not do much for warmth at this elevation.

Still, we got outside which is more than we can do most mornings without getting soaked. The past two days have been nothing but steady, drippy rain. 

 And it was strikingly beautiful outside with every little plant outlined in frost. These blackberry leaves just looked coated in sugar. I had to try and capture that. Above the tangle of blackberry bushes, I could see a faint haze as the moisture evaporated in the sunshine. 

 We were supposed to have a playdate this morning but plans changed. This outside adventure was just what I needed to get into a better space for the morning. This and a yoga class afterwards. 

 We probably lasted half an hour before our hands were cold, and we were ready to thaw out. Lovely.

During naptime, I rested, did some practical stuff and finally started on my t-shirt quilt. By started, I mean cutting t-shirts. After "procrastinating" for a couple days now (and believe me, there's plenty to procrastinate with), I've come to the awareness that it's emotional for me to cut these shirts. Going through them after washing them, there were several that brought back such special and strong memories. 

There are different layers to the emotions. Some shirts I like but don't have such a hold on. Some have ironic meaning, like this Oregon shirt that was my dad's. Others have cool prints that I want to keep but that I didn't wear much. And others, I wore the shit out of. During my trail work summers in Idaho or my invasive species work on Kauai, I only had a few shirts and wore them constantly. On Kauai, I had two work shirts. Many of these shirts I actually got in Idaho at the Humane Society gift store, Rags N' Wags, at a totally different point in my life. Carefree, exploring, learning.

A shirt that was my mother's before it was mine.

I had the Indigo Girls playing, because I knew I'd need some helpful music. As I started going through the shirts and cutting them, it was like walking back through my life, parts of it. Important parts. The twenties were such an exploring, engaging time with adventures around every corner and fewer daily stresses. I was learning about me, my dreams, my heart. And not that I'm not doing that now, but it's different. Then, my inner parts were newer to me. Now, they're closer friends to me, and we communicate differently. Parts I've let go of or have changed. New parts have emerged. And there remain some parts that go to the core. 


This quilting time became a contemplative meditation on my life up till now. I get the same feeling when I look through old letters. I keep a lot of letters and go through them from time to time. Or reread my journals. It's always interesting to see my own progression. It's heartening, loving and fills me with a broad energy that fills me until my cup runneth over. What an interesting journey I've "decided" to take with this quilting project...

Day 114

January 18, 2011

Another awesome morning for sleep - 6:51!! Hallelujah! 

Did a bit of exercising and pool time with Jacob at the gym. He's really liking swimming these days. They even have a lifejacket in his size, so I put that on sometimes and he hangs onto the edge by himself and moves along it. Really cute. 

My T-shirts

Also made it to the fabric store today. I could be in those stores for so long oggling fabrics and buttons and thread and wanting to make all sorts of.... things. Just came out with some fusible interfacing, though, for my quilt project.

One of his favourite songs, as he sings it:
Every night the moon is bright you look up there
Icca bacca boo
Every night the moon is bright you look up there
Icca bacca I love you

Long, but good afternoon. Jacob and I repotted my burrow's tail that got totally thrashed in our car trip. It's such a delicate succulent. There wasn't much I could do for it under the circumstances. So, I dipped the leaves in a rooting compound, planted them in new dirt and am hoping for the best. As much as I love nature, I do not have the green thumb like some of my siblings. My brother, Matt, can grow avocado trees in Michigan. He looks at things and they grow. Julie, Jeff and Matt can grow orchids and get them to rebloom. Julie has her cactus collection that also blooms for her. Me? I kill aloe plants. 

Hmmm... there was something else about the boy, but it has left my mind by this point. My mind is like a sieve; most things run right through it. Of course, they all come back to me when I'm lying in bed awake at 3am. Sometimes I'm tempted to get up then and write. Oh, yes, he's working on undressing himself. Has to do his coat, tries to do his shoes. Is getting the shirt part.

Mushroom! This after a third of a container of grape tomatoes.

He had a good dinner: salmon patty, edamame, carrots, blueberries and almost a whole piece of toast. He's growing, apparently. 


I asked him if he wanted a bath tonight, he said no. I asked several times, still no. Then it was time for bed and of course, "bath now". Sorry, dude. We're not playing that game. Tricky, tricky.

Day 113

January 17, 2011

First, Jacob slept until 6:38 this morning!!!!!!! I cannot say how happy I was. Fingers crossed that it stays this way.

Holding a washcloth to catch the juice

Took a lovely cardio/strength class this am at the gym. I'm looking forward to being sore tomorrow. 

Had a bit of afternoon sun so Jacob had a chance to ride his bike. That was fun. The neighbour kids were out too so some socializing as well.

My crown and my "cheese" face

A good day.

Day 112

January 16, 2011

So, I'm starting a quilting project. I want to use my old t-shirts and make a quilt from them. I've never made a full-size quilt before, so this should be interesting. Not only that, but I also think I'll just be making up the pattern, more or less. Also new to me and outside my comfort zone a bit (being a type A person and all). But I'm excited about it. 


Of course I decide to do this and all my stuff is packed away. After moving several boxes and looking under stacks of... stuff, I found my fabrics. Amazingly (thanks to good 'ole St. Anthony) I also found my sewing box and cutting mat. Those were all the most important things. Well, those and the sewing machine but that's easily accessible. 


Went to Michael's today to get another ruler. I'm not going to drive myself crazy trying to find the one I already have. They will both come in handy in the future. I also got sidetracked by some of the interesting books they have on different crafts. I came upon one book entitled Handmade Home by Amanda Blake Soule. She talks about repurposing old things (which I like) and just had a good feel to her stuff. I have since learned that she has a blog called Soulemama that is really cool too. I love old things and using them in creative ways. I wish I could think outside the box more with stuff like that. I want to have a style with that feel. I don't always think I have a style. I must have something but what it is, I'm not sure. Anyway, lots of cool stuff in this book. I think I'll be getting it with my next Michael's coupon. 


And we'll see how the quilting goes!

Day 111

January 15, 2011

5:25. Mamamilk in my bed got us to 6. Books, breakfast, Skyping with Mimi and Pop. All good things to pass the time on a Saturday morning. Always good to call to Eastern time in the am. 

I had a lovely time at the gym this afternoon. Pilates, eliptical (this is my reading time, catching up on Nat Geos; I'm on March 2010). I actually soaked in the hot tub and read a little longer. Might as well treat it as the vacation it is when I don't have the boy in daycare there. 

Came home and he was still asleep! He took a three hour and twenty minute nap today. His schedule is wacked these days. 

Fraser had a big football game to watch this pm. I will be so glad when that damn sport is done for the year. Really, I can't stand it by this time of the season. Maybe in the fall it's tolerable when you're just getting into cozy sweaters and chili on cool days. But by now, I just want it to end. I'm totally, 100% in charge of Jacob five full days out of the week. On the two when there's another adult present, I really hate anything that takes away from the dual parenting. Too bad I don't just embrace it because it's not going to go away. I'm just not that advanced of an individual yet. I'm still fighting instead of joining. 

Went "out" tonight while Fraser put Jacob to bed. These days that's the best solution we have. I cannot be present or else the screamfest will ensue. So I walked around the neighbourhood for awhile which was actually quite pleasant. Fresh (moist) air, peaking in at the decorative styles of other people, taking a step away from my situation to try and get perspective. It all helps. We're in a stressful period of life and it takes LOTS of communication, letting go of expectation and understanding. It's hard to get them to line up all the time.

Day 110

January 14, 2011

Hit up the museum this morning. Jacob's favourite place. Every day this week when Fraser came home and asked him what he did today, Jacob would say we'd gone to the museum. So, we actually went today. It was fun. After being there during the madness of New Year's Eve when all the kids were off for break, this was nothing today. He was almost falling asleep in the car on the way home but still asking to go back to the museum! Haha!

Good long nap again today. At least there's that when he gets up before 6am! 

Had a total two year old fit today. I was changing his diaper after nap and he wanted to put the pee diaper back on. Right. Probably a good 20 minute scream fest while I read a book. Good times. A strong will is a great thing to have in life, most times, as long as you learn to use it well. I should know. About having one, that is. Not always about using it well. 


Went to the library, got a library card and some books for Jacob and some quilting books for me. I'm wanting to take advantage of the big, empty room in this house to try and make a quilt out of my old t-shirts. I have to extricate all that stuff from the storage area that is the garage, but if I can do that, I'll be able to try my hand at it. I want to have more creativity in my life. 


And a new feat that impresses me: Jacob walks down the stairs frontwards without holding my hand. He has a hand against the wall but not even on the railing. It might seem small to us grownups but after always holding him for balance and whatnot, it's pretty crazy to see him (and trust that he's okay) walking down steps like that.

Day 109

January 13, 2011

 5:30. At 2 years of age, this is not okay with me. What I dread the most with more children is the sleep deprivation. I talk to other new moms and they're all like, "Oh, I'm doing great. So and so sleeps really well at night." I could just scream. In the beginning, fair enough it was my fault for some of Jacob's sleeping habits. But come on! I am so over it. Sigh. My kids will each be a better sleeper than the last because being sleep deprived, I'll either stop hearing them cry or start letting them self soothe earlier.


Mom friend over today with her boy. Jacob is getting kind of possessive over his toys these days but it was a good visit. Nice to have some adult conversation and company.

Gym in the afternoon. Jacob and I made pizza for dinner. Stretching out pizza dough is tricky I learned but fun. 

Day 108

January 12, 2011

Another 5am morning. What is the deal!? I left him in there until 5:30 when Fraser went to get him and bring him in bed with us. I just don't know what's waking him up. After a bit of a rough start, things got on track. We had a tasty French toast casserole for breakfast that I'd prepared the night before. It's the best thing to do with a rock hard baguette, recipe thanks to Cyndamom.

Did a little grocery shopping and hit up yoga. An ambitious morning. The boy was ready to pass out in my arms when I was singing to him before nap time. He has a funny saying these days when he doesn't want to do something. He says "nope" with it. Example: "No wash hands. Nope." Or "No change a diaper. Nope." It's almost like a suggestion or question the way he says it but also a statement, a hopeful one.  

Looking back at my recent posts (thanks to my mother's comment) I realize I've been writing the dates as December still. I have noticed myself doing it sometimes but thought I'd caught myself more often. Whoops.

Jacob took a wonderfully long nap today: three hours. Which allowed me to nap and do some pleasure reading. There is a lull after the beginning of the month after lots of the bills are paid and before my cycle makes me feel like constantly organizing when I feel like I have things under control and can do whatever I want during Jacob's nap time. Sure, there are some thoughts in my head of being totally unproductive and that I should be doing plenty of other things. But I tell them that nothing is so pressing that it can't wait. And I read.


Nice evening. Jacob and I made cookies and a stir fry (in that order). Jacob ate all parts of the stir fry (chicken, broccoli, sweet peppers, carrots, mushrooms). He set aside pieces of his chicken for Mimi and Pop, Uncle Nick and Aunt Amy and Daddy. The pieces for Mimi and Pop are still on the counter. Fraser came home at 7 and was getting his food ready. He was going to eat the pieces but Jacob adamantly told him that they were for Mimi and Pop. Very cute. 

I've been working on getting his picture book updated so he can see all his distant family and friends. He will sometimes choose the album he has now for a bedtime book. We look at all the pictures and talk about the people. I hope he always feels a connection to the people who live far from us, especially the family. I was so close to my siblings but didn't have close cousins and wish he could have more of that.

Day 107

January 11, 2011

1/11/11... cool. 
Jacob was up at 5 am today. No idea why. Not happy about it, though. And he was not into going back to sleep. The kids' place at the gym doesn't even open till 8:30. Didn't think I was going to make it. Then I made some strong black tea. Thank goodness for caffeine sometimes. 

Worked out. Sometimes, when I'm working out and my body is doing all the things it can and I'm not looking at it so critically, I can really appreciate how good I have it. Sure, I have the odd complaint, but really, I should give up on that even. There is so much pressure to look a certain way and I look pretty close to it and still, I have the nerve to complain sometimes. Silly. I read a comment in a magazine the other day that was great. The question posed was, what do you wish someone had told you earlier (these were all health and beauty questions). One woman responded, to enjoy my body in my teens, twenties and thirties because I'll get to my forties and wonder why I gave myself such grief. True statement. 

Got the boy. Played some basketball in the gym together. Went swimming. I don't know how he has so much energy but hopefully he'll take a loooooong nap. 

This afternoon was looooooong. Just being tired, at home and Fraser working late. Jacob and I had some moments. But we made it. I was definitely done by the time Jacob was in bed. 

And, we booked a trip for me and Jacob to go back to Michigan in March. Fraser is going to be really busy then because his co-worker will be in India for three weeks. So, we're headed out. I feel somewhat like I'm abandoning Fraser, but he assures me that it's okay.

Day 106

January 10, 2011

Tired this am. Some sun poking through though. Made it the gym, but barely. Feeling totally unmotivated. Thought of my trip there as more mental exercise than physical. Must get out of house now. Must do something physical. Last week was such a bum week for the gym, having to be home for a few random things. It was good to go.

Got a couple errands in before lunch and nap. Aaaah... nap time. I was totally out today. I've been trying to be more ambitious these days and get some things done during his naps. But today was not going to happen like that. I felt much better this pm. 

Jacob woke from his nap. I went in, got him out of the crib and held him in the rocking chair. He fell asleep on me again for probably 15 minutes or so. It's been awhile since that's happened. I just held him and took it all in. His (not so little) little body curled on my lap, head on my shoulder, hand down my shirt. He was sucking his thumb but would occasionally make a little cooing/sighing noise. I just breathed in his sweet baby smell. A nice, quiet moment.

Fraser went out to a bar with some guys from work to watch football (I think). Yes. Go make some friends. 

I tried to give Jacob a little hair trim in the bath tonight. It's always a crapshoot on how those'll turn out. He wiggles constantly. But he was starting to get quite shaggy again. I don't mind some shag but there's a point, even for this treehugger, when I need to bust out the scissors. 

Day 105

January 9, 2011

Chilled at home in the am. Fraser wanted to watch some football. He told me the season was almost over - only about 4 more weeks! I will be glad when it's done, not gonna lie. I don't particularly care about the sport and it really just makes Fraser more unproductive. So, it's not my bag. Alas.

Went to sushi downtown. Dee-licious! Masu was the name of the place. Really yummy. Jacob did great. He downed his miso soup, shumai (dumplings), edamame, unagi (fresh water eel) and devoured some salmon! It was awesome.

We tried to drag out the walk to the car as long as possible but knew the evening had to end. It was so good to see them and so short. It's better to see them than to not, but it also makes me more sad (just for a bit) that I don't live close to these friends anymore. Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.

Day 104

January 8, 2011

Chad came into town today (Tif's beau: he works out here sometimes which was part of the initiative for this weekend's visit). After Jacob's nap we took the train downtown. Ended up at Deschutes Brewery. Good beer. Okay food. That seems to be a common theme with the breweries around here. At least the ones we've tried. Good beer. So so food. I guess we do go there for the beer.

Jacob was really cute the whole time. He called Tiffany, "Tiff-a-wee". So cute. He was really happy to see her and Chad. He had a great time playing with them both, showing them his marbles, playing chase. I think he remembers them. 

After the boy was down we had ourselves a ripping game night. Started out with Apples to Apples which is just such a hilarious and fun game. Chad was quite good. He's in marketing and does have a knack for reading people. After a couple games of that, we went for Cranium. Way more thinking, especially when you haven't played it in awhile. We eventually settled into it a bit more but halfway through decided to cut the game short and go back to Apples to Apples. 

So fun. I love playing games with folks. Especially fun folks. We had a great time. I only wished we could've had more than one night. But one night is better than none. Those are the games that Fraser and I can't play by ourselves. We got to bed at 12:30. Impressive for all of us.

Day 103

January 7, 2011

Making something with mushrooms today and Jacob asks for one. He sits down and eats it like an apple. Raw. So cute and awesome. 

Talked to Jenny for a long time today. I tell you, I'm really on a role with the women in my life. Lauren, Gab, Jenny. It really feels great to be so loved by such awesome people. And to know they're thinking of me and missing me. It helps to have that deep connection with people. 

And..... Tiffany came in today for a short weekend visit!! Jacob and I picked her up at the train station. So nice to see her. We got some wine and brie and headed home to chill. Relaxed evening for all of us hanging out with a fantastic friend. It made it feel like old times. I think that's really helpful, especially in a new house. Giving us some familiarity and some good memories here.

Day 102

January 6, 2011

Had to stay at home all day today waiting for the gas guy to come check out my heater. Unreal that they don't give you a better idea of time. As if these people don't carry around any sort of communication device! Right. 

Jacob and I went crazy around the house though. Cleaned up the guest room a ton! Getting all the Christmas stuff collected. 


Talked to Gab during naptime. So nice to chat with her. It's like we're still only minutes away. I also got all the filing done while being distracted by our conversation. I hate filing so this was truly wonderful.

Skyped with Jules and Mom tonight too. Getting all my ladies in. It was great to talk to them. Skype is really the next best thing to being in person. We talked, joked. Everyone was in good spirits. I miss doing that so it was really great to have some time together. 

Fraser put Jacob to bed and it went over pretty well. Some fussing in the bathroom for me but it quieted down quickly once in the bedroom. Sweet. More of that to come.

Day 101

January 5, 2011

Went to meet with a realtor this morning. We're just trying to see what areas have what in order to be more prepared if/when the time comes to buy a house. Don't know what the future holds on that one.

Saw Fraser for lunch which was nice. Took a nap which was also nice. 

 

Day 100!!

January 4, 2011

Day 100. Wow. That seems like a milestone, for sure. In some ways, it feels like we've been here such a long time, the sun-filled skies of Boulder just a distant memory. In others, it still feels new. Like when finding one's way to the mall on the other side of the river without the GPS. 

We met up with a friend from mom's group, Danna. I liked her from the beginning and even more now. She lives over in the NE Portland, near Elizabeth with the cool, old house. I'm used to finding places without a GPS, though, so I wasn't too worried about it. Just funny because I had the address all ready to plug in but got into the car and had to get back out and go to the computer for directions. The biggest hassle was getting Jacob out and in carseat again. 

We met up by some little ride-on toys: a car, train, racecar. Headed up the escalator to entertain the kids and came to a hat kiosk. "I have to try on this hat," Danna said. She tries it on then picks up a mustard yellow hat with a flower on one side and says, "This is so cute. It would look so good on you. You have to try it on." So I do. It's cute but also.... stylish and different than anything I ever wear; being the child of an entirely practical mother I really was never taught these things and don't have a natural knack for it. 
"I don't know if I can get away with it," I said.
"Oh, yes," Danna said, "you totally can. It looks great with that blue and red. If you wear a lot of blues or neutrals it's good sometimes to have a little colour to just make it pop."
"I would love a hat to use on my dirty hair days," I said. "I don't know, though."
"It is so cute. You have to get it. Oh and look at this scarf (she says as she's putting a green scarf around my neck). It looks so good together."
"I need you to be my dresser," I said.
"Well, that's what I do. I'm an interior designer. I don't do it now but it's what I used to do."
"You are just what I need in my life. Well, I like the hat but don't know if I could wear it without you next to me telling me it looks good. I have to feel like I could get away with it, you know."
"You just need to branch out a little."
"I'll think about it. I might come back and get it."

This was all within the first 15 minutes of hanging out! We continue to learn more about each other. Yes, she used to do interior design work but then stopped because she wanted to do something that fed her soul. I really like her now. Totally cool. She has good energy. As we kept talking, she kept telling me that we had to move to her neighbourhood because it has that walk-to-everything-and-know-your-neighbours kinds of feel. I still feel like it might be too far from Fraser's work. We'll see. We'd really have to do some experimenting with the commuting aspect to see what it would really be like. Good times, though.


Talked to my friend Lauren on skype this afternoon! So fun. Great to see her and her baby, Leah. Almost like being back in Boulder with her. 

Also, Jacob didn't ask for mamamilk this morning. First time. And no milk tonight. I think it's time to stop the evening ones for good. I'll keep the am one for a bit if he asks for it. Good and sad. It's that final physical connection where he's taking something from my body, and it feels like a separation of sorts. Very interesting. 

Day 99

January 3, 2011

More sunshine! I'm loving it. It makes it very cold, but it's just so enjoyable.

Jacob and I went to the gym where I enjoyed a nice sunbeam all through my yoga class. 

Got a card from some old neighbours today. Their little boy is just five months older than Jacob. I showed him the card and asked who it was in the picture. Jacob smiled and said, "Jesse". 

He also has two more teeth. Not two year molars, no. Just his bottom canines. He's still missing him top ones also and the two year molars. But it's exciting nonetheless.


One other thing he says. When he sees babies of any sort he calls them Jacobs. Mommy giraffes, Jacob giraffes. Singular, plural. It doesn't matter. All babies are Jacob to him.

Day 98

January 2, 2011

This has been our third straight day of sunshine! It's quite cold outside but very pretty. We all went for a walk to the park this morning. Lovely. Jacob swang on the swings, climbed around, took on some slides that were actually dry. It was very nice. 

Had a nice relaxing day. First thing out of Jacob's mouth in the morning, "Jacob play marbles now". And last thing before putting him in bed, "Play marbles now." After leaving his room, he usually talks to himself for awhile before going to sleep. Tonight I leave and a minute later I hear him shout, "Ole`! Ole`!" (that's not the right accent but it's the best I know how to do for the word). Hilarious.

Had another nice meditation. Definitely harder to find time for them on the weekends when everyone's around. Jacob's nap time is usually a good time for me to regroup when I'm home alone. 

Day 97: Happy New Year!

January 1, 2011

A new year.  Fraser and I actually made it up till midnight last night. Our mistake. We're tired today. And Jacob woke up at 6! I guess he's excited about the new year too. We'll see where this year takes us. We had no idea at the start of last year that we'd be in Portland by the year's end. Hopefully, this new year will be full of wonderful happenings and happy adventures. 

One of the gifts we ordered for Jacob didn't come by Christmas, so we told him Santa just found it in his sleigh and left it for him last night. It's a marble track. Now, I know what some of you are thinking: choking hazard! BUT.... we are supervising our child and he's not one to put things in his mouth (not that I'm relying on that, it just helps). He is obsessed. He played with it non-stop for an hour, had a diaper change and continued afterwards for another two hours. The only interruptions he had was to talk to me about the ornaments I was taking off the tree and for us to try and get him to eat something. Wow.


I headed off to pilates, feeling a little under the weather due to my intake of champagne. And our instructor worked us hard today. We did a circuit with six different exercises for each go round. We went around four times. Yea, I felt like hurling after the class. It subsided within a half hour, thankfully. Happy new year, alright. 

After nap, back to the marbles. All afternoon. No joke. That's all he wanted to do. 
"Marbles in dere. Down dere. In dere. Out dere," he said as he pointed to the marble's route. We could just see his little neurons making connections and the wrinkle being imprinted on his brain. So cool. We skyped with Uncle Nick and showed him the marble track. Fancier than the ones he and Uncle Jeff used to make when they were younger; they used toilet paper tubes, pvc pipe, tape. But hey, it worked and provided hours of entertainment.