April 4, 2011
Crabby day today, even with yoga. Bummer.
And I'm missing Colorado. My yoga mat still smells like incense and just remembering back to Telluride makes me miss those mountains and clear blue skies.
I was thinking of my friend Tiffany later: she'd send out a text about happy hour at the Cafe, Jacob and I would take the bus down and hang out with her, people watching and catching up. Fraser would usually join us eventually then we'd take the bus back home.
Oh, those were the days. We're adjusting here but there are times when I just miss it back there.
Okay, I just heard a commercial on the radio for Target. And for the first time, their motto really hit me as totally absurd. Expect more - pay less. I've never really registered that before, but really, it could be the slogan for why America is going downhill. I'm not turning into some conservative, right-wing, anti-welfare/Medicare/Medicaid being, no. But when you tell people to expect more but not have to pay for it, what do you think is going to happen? Things are going to be, cheaply and poorly, in China. At a certain point, there is no one to blame but ourselves for allowing lead in children's toys and cancer causing ingredients in our plastics. Look in the mirror, America! You can't have it both ways: cheap stuff, good quality. That's capitalism for you. That's supply and demand. Making quality items takes labour, energy, time and ideally, a sustainability factor. Those things are not and should not be free. Maybe we'd have a few more jobs in the U.S. if we didn't support mottos like that.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Day 189: Ponderances of momhood
April 3, 2011
When vacuuming is the most relaxing thing I've done today, should I worry? It's just nice to have that white noise going and to not hear anyone talking to me. I can just zone out, let my mind wander, imagine that I'm by myself for just a bit and actually be doing something productive as well!
I'm working on... hmmm... learning about myself, defining my role as a stay-at-home mom, figuring out the things that make me happy - all while being a teacher, chef, accountant, psychologist, housekeeper, comfort object, event coordinator and then some. And I only have one child! I absolutely love being a stay-at-home mom: being present for Jacob, teaching him, comforting him, supporting his being. I love being able to learn new things, things that I want to learn: sewing, gardening, writing, photography, cooking. And still it's challenging figuring out what to have in my days, how to spend the little bit of time I have while Jacob is sleeping or playing by himself. It's challenging because my brain gets a different kind of exercise now. It's challenging because I don't yet have a close community here to go to when it's hard. It's challenging because nobody can be patient all the time, 24/7, and at some point, my frustration comes out at somebody.
I read other people's blogs, sometimes, or see other stay-at-home moms doing all sorts of things, and it's hard not to compare myself. It's hard not to think, okay, so what am I doing? I don't have a homemade loaf of bread on the table for dinner, I don't sell things online, I don't read articles online and then tell my readers about parenting issues or political issues or environmental issues. I am a mom. That should feel like enough. After all, I am raising a human being. I am raising a person who is going to become part of this world and hopefully, do something helpful. I am teaching him almost everything he knows apart from observation. And I'm teaching him those things too, sometimes unawares! There are no breaks in parenting. No weekends, no vacations, no smoke breaks. So, yes, being a mom should be enough.
Still, I do have lots of things I'm good at and that I want to incorporate into my life: making cards (possibly selling them), writing (which I am doing almost daily!), growing things (plants, that is, not pet elephants or anything like that). So, we'll just see. I'm reading a book my mom gave me called, Stay Home, Stay Happy. I wouldn't say that I'm not happy just.... discovering what that means, in new ways than I have before. Life is a journey and all these experiences are the joy of it.
When vacuuming is the most relaxing thing I've done today, should I worry? It's just nice to have that white noise going and to not hear anyone talking to me. I can just zone out, let my mind wander, imagine that I'm by myself for just a bit and actually be doing something productive as well!
I'm working on... hmmm... learning about myself, defining my role as a stay-at-home mom, figuring out the things that make me happy - all while being a teacher, chef, accountant, psychologist, housekeeper, comfort object, event coordinator and then some. And I only have one child! I absolutely love being a stay-at-home mom: being present for Jacob, teaching him, comforting him, supporting his being. I love being able to learn new things, things that I want to learn: sewing, gardening, writing, photography, cooking. And still it's challenging figuring out what to have in my days, how to spend the little bit of time I have while Jacob is sleeping or playing by himself. It's challenging because my brain gets a different kind of exercise now. It's challenging because I don't yet have a close community here to go to when it's hard. It's challenging because nobody can be patient all the time, 24/7, and at some point, my frustration comes out at somebody.
I read other people's blogs, sometimes, or see other stay-at-home moms doing all sorts of things, and it's hard not to compare myself. It's hard not to think, okay, so what am I doing? I don't have a homemade loaf of bread on the table for dinner, I don't sell things online, I don't read articles online and then tell my readers about parenting issues or political issues or environmental issues. I am a mom. That should feel like enough. After all, I am raising a human being. I am raising a person who is going to become part of this world and hopefully, do something helpful. I am teaching him almost everything he knows apart from observation. And I'm teaching him those things too, sometimes unawares! There are no breaks in parenting. No weekends, no vacations, no smoke breaks. So, yes, being a mom should be enough.
Still, I do have lots of things I'm good at and that I want to incorporate into my life: making cards (possibly selling them), writing (which I am doing almost daily!), growing things (plants, that is, not pet elephants or anything like that). So, we'll just see. I'm reading a book my mom gave me called, Stay Home, Stay Happy. I wouldn't say that I'm not happy just.... discovering what that means, in new ways than I have before. Life is a journey and all these experiences are the joy of it.
Day 188
April 2, 2011
We decided this morning to get and about. We headed downtown for two things: use my Lush gift card that Julie gave us for Christmas and check out the Portland Saturday market.
Jacob didn't want to leave the house but we made him. First stop, Lush. How lovely to pick out such earth-friendly, wonderfully feeling and smelling products. The girl helping me demoed everything on me which was fun. Jacob got to see some fun things too, like a bath bomb. I ended up with some facial cleanser, toners and some moisturizer samples, natural deodorant two body massage bars. What a treat to get nice things for myself that make me feel special. My sister knows me too well; she knows I don't spend money on myself for things like that. I'm too practical. So she makes me. That's love for you.
We got into the car which Jacob did not want to do. He had a total scream fest and in the five minutes it took us to get to the market, he was asleep. A bit of jet lag, I guess, catching up with him.
Second stop, Saturday Market. Well, of course by this time, it was rainy. It was also chilly and we did not have all the proper attire. We were okay but should've had warmer jackets or raincoats over our fleeces. Alas, it was neat anyway. Tons of vendors selling all sorts of cool things: art, carved wooden things, clothes, jewelry, etc. It was like the Boulder Creek Festival but apparently this one sets up every Saturday. We didn't stay long today. We had some tasty food, listened to a bit of bluegrass and headed home to put Jacob to bed.
He took a three and a half hour nap!! Definitely tired. That's because he's back to getting up at 6 am. I'm hoping a bit of that is still time zone adjustment. In Michigan he was sleeping till 7 or 7:30 regularly. Which reminds me: I want to give a HUGE (delayed) thank you to my wonderful mother for getting up with Jacob every day of our trip. He slept in their bedroom, and my mom got up with him, hung out, fed him breakfast and clothed him before letting him come to get me up. What a treat!! What an amazing, fantastic, never experienced in the past two and a half years treat. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
We decided this morning to get and about. We headed downtown for two things: use my Lush gift card that Julie gave us for Christmas and check out the Portland Saturday market.
Jacob didn't want to leave the house but we made him. First stop, Lush. How lovely to pick out such earth-friendly, wonderfully feeling and smelling products. The girl helping me demoed everything on me which was fun. Jacob got to see some fun things too, like a bath bomb. I ended up with some facial cleanser, toners and some moisturizer samples, natural deodorant two body massage bars. What a treat to get nice things for myself that make me feel special. My sister knows me too well; she knows I don't spend money on myself for things like that. I'm too practical. So she makes me. That's love for you.
We got into the car which Jacob did not want to do. He had a total scream fest and in the five minutes it took us to get to the market, he was asleep. A bit of jet lag, I guess, catching up with him.
Second stop, Saturday Market. Well, of course by this time, it was rainy. It was also chilly and we did not have all the proper attire. We were okay but should've had warmer jackets or raincoats over our fleeces. Alas, it was neat anyway. Tons of vendors selling all sorts of cool things: art, carved wooden things, clothes, jewelry, etc. It was like the Boulder Creek Festival but apparently this one sets up every Saturday. We didn't stay long today. We had some tasty food, listened to a bit of bluegrass and headed home to put Jacob to bed.
He took a three and a half hour nap!! Definitely tired. That's because he's back to getting up at 6 am. I'm hoping a bit of that is still time zone adjustment. In Michigan he was sleeping till 7 or 7:30 regularly. Which reminds me: I want to give a HUGE (delayed) thank you to my wonderful mother for getting up with Jacob every day of our trip. He slept in their bedroom, and my mom got up with him, hung out, fed him breakfast and clothed him before letting him come to get me up. What a treat!! What an amazing, fantastic, never experienced in the past two and a half years treat. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Day 187
April 1, 2011
Went to the gym today!! Whoohoo. How I've missed it. Ran into my pilates instructor and another woman I've talked with before. More reassurance from the universe that I'm more into this place than I think I am.
Back to some blah errands but another pretty afternoon. The birds are chirping away, the sky is blue with some big puffy clouds sailing about and it's warm! The windows are open and I'm feeling some major spring cleaning coming on - or at least until the pre-menstrual phase ends. I try to utilize the motivation when I have it.
Got my bedroom and bathroom spic and span. Probably cleaner than when we arrived, actually. At least the room I'm sleeping in will now feel wonderful.
Went to the gym today!! Whoohoo. How I've missed it. Ran into my pilates instructor and another woman I've talked with before. More reassurance from the universe that I'm more into this place than I think I am.
Back to some blah errands but another pretty afternoon. The birds are chirping away, the sky is blue with some big puffy clouds sailing about and it's warm! The windows are open and I'm feeling some major spring cleaning coming on - or at least until the pre-menstrual phase ends. I try to utilize the motivation when I have it.
Got my bedroom and bathroom spic and span. Probably cleaner than when we arrived, actually. At least the room I'm sleeping in will now feel wonderful.
Day 186: Re-Entry
March 31, 2011
Boy woke up at 2:42 but went back to sleep, then again at 5. No hope of going back down then so we were quite tired this morning. Also a bit lonely. Family withdrawal was rough. Also seeing Fraser for a few short hours last night and minutes this morning. I also miss my Boulder neighbours: going next door to Cindy's to catch up on the trip and what's going on in the gardens, popping over to Margaret's and having a beer with her as her four kids and Jacob played together or having Kelly invite us over for some tea and talking. I miss that feel of community so much and coming back here makes me miss them all more than I have since our arrival. Odd not to have friends calling and wanting to get together.
There are some things I missed though, like sharp knives, deciding on my food choices, my husband, fresh cracked pepper, cutting boards. Not to say anything against my family, but after doing more cooking, I'm used to the things I use regularly.
Things I don't like: feeling new in a place still, cleaning my house (although Fraser did pick up and vacuum which was wonderful), always being in charge of what to make for dinner, suburbia, no siblings for company.
Finally got out of the house this pm when the sun was shining (something that apparently hasn't happened around here in the past three weeks - almost). Went to the grocery store, ran into one of our babysitters. Then went out to look at the beautiful flowers. Everything is blooming here! It smells wonderful, not only like flowers, but also like... something from my childhood: humid air being warmed by the spring sun, the plants coming back to life from the wet earth, the musky smell of boxwoods that will always remind me of visiting Oregon as a child. The smell of having the windows open for the first time, clearing out the dusty smells of winter with air that smells of clean laundry. That is lovely.
Went to the park, saw a bald eagle and ran into our other babysitter and all Karen's kids who said hi. Running into two people I "know" made me feel better. I feel that maybe I'm not totally new here after all. And my friend Brandin did send me an email just the other day asking when I was coming back. I guess it feels worse when thinking about Boulder but on its own, it's not so bad.
Day 185
March 30, 2011
Travel day. Sad. Waiting around to leave. Thankfully we didn't have to get up at the butt crack of dawn but that meant that we'd be traveling late. Jacob fell asleep for 10 minutes on the way to the airport which I hoped would hold him until our second flight from Chicago to Portland. We had a slightly tearful goodbye at security with Grammy and then, were off on our own again.
This was the first time I was going to be coming "home" to someplace other than Boulder, and it was an odd feeling. I'd think about going home and say something to Jacob like, "How are we going to get this back to Colorado?" only to realize afterwards what I was saying.
Got to Chicago with no problems and was able to hang out with my old college forensics friend, Dave. Dave "the laugh", as he is known in my family. A nickname that came about after a visit with my family that involved a "triathlon" of sorts in which the prize was my Dad's 6 string guitar. Sadly, I didn't win the entire thing and so, still do not have that guitar. It was great to see Dave, though. I don't remember the last time we've hung out and even though it was just 45 minutes, it was better than nothing. I miss having people like him in my life who are so full of energy and musically inclined and just out to have random, crazy fun. Even though visits are few and far between, it's good to have him in my life still.
We got on our second airplane and I thought surely the boy could pass out after an hour or so. The whole flight was 4 hours. He was sleepy, oh yes. His eyes were heavy. But would he go to sleep? Oh no. "Ga-cob not go to sleep." I'd try to sing him his bedtime songs and he'd call me out on it, "No Mommy sing bedtime song. No Ga-cob go sleep." Sigh. Okay. He was amazing, though. Not one fuss on that whole trip. He played with the headphones, looked out the window, read books, did stickers, played with his sponge puppets, ate some food. I was impressed.
As soon as we got off the plane, he says, "Daddy?" I was glad he was thinking of Daddy in a positive light. When we did get to Daddy, Jacob was all smiles, giving Fraser a big, long cuddly hug. Very adorable. I was glad to see him too.
Definitely weird to come home to Portland. More so when I got off the plane and didn't recognize the familiarity of it like I do with Denver and with the drive home where I had to idea, except generally, where we were going. But a balmy 57 degrees here which felt good after the mid 30s we'd had in Michigan.
Jacob was out in the back seat within five minutes of the drive home. Didn't budge when I moved him to his bed. Poor little dude was exhausted. What stamina. I was not far behind!
Day 184
March 29, 2011
We decided not to leave until afternoon, so we got in a bit more sledding and hanging out in the am. We ended up all piled in Julie's bed, taking pictures of ourselves and not wanting to part ways. Eventually, though, the time came.
My mom, Jacob and I left around 5:30 to drive back down state. Jacob was great, only fussing a bit toward the end about wanting to sit on my lap. Sadly, Nick and Amy were both out of town for work so, although we were staying at their place, we didn't get to see them again.
Jacob went down around 10:30 while my mom and I stayed up playing cards and talking politics and religion (almost ended the vacation on a sour note but we pulled it back around). We were living in denial that I was leaving the next day.
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