Today I headed down state to visit some old friends, Beth and Bonnie. We've been friends since grade school. I was looking forward to it in many ways but also feeling like I was going to be missing Jacob. As I left, though, and was driving through the countryside, I started to relax. I listened to some music, sang songs, heard some news. It was quite nice to be alone in the car for four and a half hours, actually.
Seeing my girlfriends was wonderful! Even though we live so far apart now (well, I do anyway) we have such a strong history together and have personalities that still match so it works out. I miss being able to just go over and hang out with them, though. Or going out in the evenings. Having a social life with good friends. I miss that.
In my head, I wanted to be able to go out to a bar and stay out kind of late and just feel free. In reality, we went to a restaurant and had some dinner then came home to Bonnie's and hung out in the living room before going over to Beth's to stay the night. And it was perfect. It was wonderful to reconnect in person and talk about our lives and ourselves in each other's company. I miss the ability to go out with people who don't have kids and to just have a selfish time that doesn't involve the constant responsibility for someone else. In Portland I don't have friends like that yet. Even in Boulder most of my friends have kids. This is great for understanding kid things. It's just that I miss hanging out as an individual with friends.
Before going over to Beth's house, she warns me that she has a ghost who has visited her a few times in her apartment. A woman who appears between 3 and 4am, stands by her bedside for a bit and then turns and walks away. Right. Excellent. I was very close to staying at Bonnie's house. She assured me that she didn't think the ghost would bother me. We go to her place and hang out for awhile longer. I'm hoping I'm tired enough to just pass out. I get into bed and face the wall. After a bit I wake up to drunk college kids outside (it is St. Patrick's day after all). I'm thinking it's probably somewhere close to 3am and am determined not to turn away from the wall. Of course I'm uncomfortable as all get out, feeling wide awake, and telling myself this is ridiculous but do not want to chance seeing anything. Eventually, I go back to sleep until later in the morning. Then I'm waiting to hear Jacob crying until I remember that I'm not going to. An odd but wonderful feeling.
Beth and I got to hang out a bit in the morning before I headed back up. It's definitely a different feeling hanging out with people I have so much history with, especially in a different stage of my life. It reminds me of who I was then and makes me feel out what parts are still there. We all change. Our choices and experiences shape us into who we are. It's nice to have the time to actually reconnect with myself.
As I drove back up, the four hours went by much faster than on the way down. I was lost in my thoughts. I miss being amidst a group of like-minded people, like my writing group. Doing something with a group. Also using my natural leading qualities. I guess I haven't been inspired to take charge of a group for awhile but I miss that. I also realized that I don't give myself enough time to get back to myself. Of course it's hard to take that much time away in general but what it showed me was that it takes time to relax and regroup. To be out of the routine enough to feel like it. That's a constant challenge with motherhood and especially stay-at-home motherhood; being aware within myself as to where Jacob's needs stop and mine begin and deciphering what those needs are. It's so easy to get so into the parent role that I can't discern my own needs. It's good to be away from the role every now and then to remind myself that my needs are very important too.
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| Grandpa reading Uncle Remus |
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